Kat's Haven

     Okay, I decided that my previous title of this post was extreme (understandably so, because all I could think of was the broken heart of the mother who will never hold her child again - and even as a witness to that sort of grief, it is bigger than I can even begin to handle) - in any case, I've renamed it.  After all, one person cannot bear complete responsibility for a tragedy that is caused by a multitude of forces.  When people convincingly give other people misinformation or suggestions that cause their deaths, are they responsible?  When someone bullies someone and that victim commits suicide, is the bully responsible?  Where is the line between personal responsibility and social responsibility?  I really don't know.

       Many years ago, I knew a very nice couple with a cute little blond-haired, blue-eyed daughter.  When I knew Angie (name changed) most, she was a gangly pre-teen and then teenager, who was very sweet and out-going, always a ready smile and reaching out to people to engage them in conversations.  A good kid.

     Last night, I was absolutely shocked to see Angie's obituary.  She was just 26 years old!  Full of life and hope and dreams!  I asked someone what had happened.  She told me that Angie had died of "natural causes."

     When I got home, I tried to google her obituary so that I could send it to some friends whom I was sure hadn't heard.  I never did find her obituary - but I did find her Twitter account - and I only had to read it for a few minutes to know that Angie did NOT die of natural causes.  She died doing Jillian Michaels' #30dayshred.  In the week before her death, she had lost 5 pounds in 6 days.  She was 5'8" tall and weighed 130 pounds.  She really wanted to look just like Jillian Michaels.  She was a big fan of "The Biggest Loser."  

     The two nights before she died, she suffered from insomnia.  I wonder if she was taking "fat burners" or some other stimulant - or if her body was just so whacked out from the crazy dieting she was doing.  

     Angie was passionate about preventing bullying - and was recently devastated by the suicide of a 14 year old gay boy.  She was a lesbian who clearly felt threatened by how this society treats LGBT people - and wanted to make the world safer for all.  I'm sure that she didn't realize that ultimately, it would be the bullying against fatness/fat people that would lead her to accidentally kill herself - but that is what happened.  I have no doubt.  Her own internalized fat-phobia drove her to make decisions that led to her very premature death.

     I wonder how many Angies there are?  How many healthy young people (and middle-aged people) simply drop dead of "natural causes" - and the link is never made to why they really died? (yeah, I know that some people actually do just drop dead for "no reason" - but how many deaths ARE caused by things that go unrecognized? - and there have been LOTS of people who have dropped dead shortly after losing weight - coincidence? I don't buy it!).  The anti-fat prejudice that permeates this country - and this insane and wrong-minded "war on obesity" - has more casualties and fatalities, I am sure, than we will ever know.  

     There is nothing benign about shows like "The Biggest Loser."  They are dangerous - promoting the idea that it is okay to take extreme measures to lose weight.  That is NOT okay for anybody!  There is nothing benevolent about the "inspiration" that people such as Jillian Michaels provide.  Body-shaming, fat-hatred, thin-obsession - it hurts us as individuals, it hurts us as a society - it hurts us in countless ways - up to and including death.  

     The question I have now is:  how long are we going to allow this to go on?  How long are we going to turn a blind eye to the suffering and even death that our national obsession with body size/shape is causing?  Angie died doing Jillian Michaels' program.  But countless others have died in countless other ways related to weight loss attempts - from extreme dieting to weight loss surgery (do you have any idea of the number of people who die from WLS - or who suffer for the rest of their lives? - it is staggering!).  How many more?  How much more tragedy are we going to allow before we examine, as a nation and as individuals, our values around diversity and common decency and compassion and basic civil rights for people of all sizes and shapes?  When are we going to get it that size prejudice is just as wrong and harmful as any other prejudice?  When are we going to tell Jillian Michaels to stop yelling at fat people?  It isn't okay!  When are we going to create a world where people don't suffer and die trying to get thinner?  It's too late for Angie ... and that is just heartbreaking.  Truly.
     

    Normally, right about now I would be starting to get dressed and ready to go to my Zumba class at the gym.  I love, love, love my Zumba class - and my Zumba instructor, who is one of the sweetest, funniest, most playful and fun people I have ever met.  Dru's class is available to me three days a week at the gym - and I never miss it if I can possibly help it.  Today I am missing it, much to my great disappointment.  I am having to force myself not to go - because even though my knee is messed up and I can't even walk without limping, I still really, really want to go.

     Okay, pause here - and imagine that.  So many people talk about how much they hate exercise - or how exercise is boring - or how they don't have time for exercise.  And I'm telling you that even though I am injured - and I am aware that if I were to go today, I would probably worsen the injury - I am having to fight to make myself not go.  And I'd also like to mention that no matter how busy I am or what's going on in my life, unless I am out of town or injured, I will fit Zumba into my schedule - voluntarily missing it is not even conceivable.  So, what is the difference between the people who don't want to exercise and me, who wants to go exercise so badly that I'm totally bummed out that I can't go even when I'm in pain?

     I've been sitting here thinking about it - and I think that there is no difference between those people and me.  I think the difference is in the exercise itself.  And I think I know the secret to getting children and adults to exercise:  make it fun!  I know that probably doesn't seem like an earth-shattering hypothesis - I mean, it really seems self-evident, doesn't it?  But hang in there with me a moment, okay?  Because I think that a LOT of people - including most health/fitness professionals and most policy-makers - miss the heart of this very important point.

     I remember the exact moment that gym stopped being my daughter's favorite class:  it was her first gym class in 6th grade.  That was it - the love affair with gym was over.  In grade school, for six years, Annie had Mrs. Frederick, who is arguably one of the best gym teachers in the world.  Everything they did was FUN and high energy!  She had music blasting, she was laughing and being silly with the kids - even as she was teaching them skills and getting them into shape.  They played games and learned sports and tested their coordination and strengthened their bodies and did all kinds of fun stuff.  

     And then came middle school.  And the fun went away.  Now, exercise was all about "fitness" and "health" and "BMI" - and it was work.  Sports were about "winning."  And gym class became something that my child dreaded.  Dreaded, I'm telling you - seriously stressful, wanted to get out of it, hated every moment of it.  It went from being the best part of her day to the worst part of her day in the snap of a finger.  Do I need to spell out the problem further here?  The seriousness with which we infuse "exercise" for "adults" - kills the desire to play and have fun and be active that we naturally have as children.  Kills it dead.  

       And then, guess what?  When all of the fun is gone, the only way most people seem to be able to think of to motivate people to exercise is by threatening them or shaming them.  In school, the threat is bad grades if you don't participate.  As adults, they try to scare you with the threat of poor health - heart attacks, etc.  Both in school and in life after school, the additional threats are that you won't be loved or accepted unless you look a certain way -  and the shaming tools are to make you feel bad about your body if you don't look that one permissible way - thin and "fit."  One of the many problems with this is that exercise doesn't actually make anybody thin (not over the long-term, anyway - sometimes there is some weight loss, but the vast majority of the time, that doesn't hold and any weight lost is almost always regained within 2-5 years) - and only makes a small percentage of people who are genetically programmed that way to look like the kind of "fit" that is shown in magazines and that people feel like they must strive for - or be judged as unacceptable and/or undesirable.  

     In addition to the problem this creates of body-shaming, body-dissatisfaction, and a cultural system of prejudice and oppression (and the stress this causes - which is one of the worst things for health and well-being!) - there is also the problem that this sort of approach is enormously de-motivating.  When people don't get the weight and appearance results that they are seeking, they give up and drop out of exercise programs and stop being active.  This is a problem because exercise is beneficial to our health whether or not it ever changes our size, weight, or shape.  

     If you look at schools, fitness centers, fitness magazines and "health" magazines - well, basically if you look anywhere - it becomes readily apparent that these people are operating from a belief system that the only way to motivate people to get moving and be active is to make them feel insecure about and ashamed of their bodies.  Brene Brown, the shame researcher who has done wonderful work in the field of shame, shame resilience and whole-hearted living would be the first to tell you that shame is NEVER an effective long-term motivator.   You might get someone to do something for a moment if you shame them - but it will actually produce negative long-term results, including lowered self-esteem, depression, and other serious problems.  Besides, people take care of things that we value and love - if we are taught to be critical of our bodies and to feel shame about our bodies, we learn to not value/love our bodies, and we are not going to be motivated to take care of something that we have been taught to fear, feel shame about, and even hate.

     So, all of those signs in the gym window that tell you to "lose the excess body fat" or to "get swimsuit ready", etc. - and all of those billboards that tell you to "lose that muffintop" or to "say goodbye to obesity", etc. - and all of those fitness newsletters and magazine headlines that tell you to "get rid of the unwanted jiggle" or to "lose those unsightly pounds" or even to "be careful not to pack on the holiday pounds", etc. - the fact is that all of these messages are shaming - and are actually highly demotivating.  

     I'm thinking that even non-shaming messages that make being active focus on "health and fitness" also have a component of de-motivation.  Because honestly, though I do take care of my body and make mostly good lifestyle choices - I do it because I know it makes me feel good - and if I think of it in terms of doing it as a mandate or as "work" that I must do, the thought of it actually exhausts me.  I mean, I'm aware that being active is good for me - and that's okay by me.  But that isn't why I'm active.  I'm active because it's fun.  If it weren't fun, I wouldn't do it, period.  No matter how good it is for me.  I decided a few years ago that I would never eat anything that I didn't like the taste of (wheatgrass, apple cider vinegar, kelp, for example), no matter how "good" it was for me.  I feel the same way about exercise.  If it ain't fun, it ain't gonna happen.

     Here's the good news (for me):  I love being active!  I love Zumba most of all, but I like lots of other things too:  dancing, walking, biking, golf, swimming, yoga and many other things!  I've always loved sports - unfortunately, because of multiple sports injuries, I now have severe arthritis in my knees (especially my left knee, which has no visible cartilage remaining) - so, things like tennis are not likely to be a part of my future.  But who knows?  Sometimes I'm lucky and my knees don't hurt at all.  I do what I can - and I'm grateful to be able to do it!

     So, here's the bottom line:  I think most people are a lot like me.  We are motivated by pleasure and fun.  We are motivated by things that make us happy and that make us laugh.  We seek that out.  So, if you want to encourage people to exercise - make it fun!  Don't even let them know that you are helping them to strengthen their abdominal muscles here or their quads there or that this particular activity is aerobic and is helping their heart.  It's good for fitness professionals to know what they're doing, of course - but the rest of us really don't need the details.  We just want to have fun!  Of course, there will be exceptions to this general rule - people who want to understand what each exercise does for their body - answer their questions privately - don't drag the rest of us into the mundane aspects of it.  And be really careful - seriously, be REALLY CAREFUL not to let the focus of being active become about becoming a certain size or shape - or, even worse, about avoiding being a certain size or shape.

     One final word:  as citizens of this world, it is imperative that we all are mindful about creating a world where everyone feels valued and lovable.  I cannot stress enough the importance of not using shaming tactics to try to motivate people - this damages us all and creates a culture where stereotypes, prejudice, oppression and cruelty thrive.  There is a better way!  We can create motivation that is based in joy and love and fun!  

Love Talk

WHILE THE BOSTON GLOBE MAY CHOOSE TO ACTIVELY PROMOTE PREJUDICE AND THIN SUPREMACY, I CHOOSE TO KEEP LIVING MY LIFE ON MY OWN TERMS AND TO FIGHT FOR EQUALITY AND BASIC HUMAN RIGHTS AND DIGNITY FOR ALL

     There is a recent article in The Boston Globe calling for a more active stigmatization of fat people - the first line of the article calling for out-and-out verbal abuse and attack.  I am not going to link to that article because I don't want to spread that viciousness any farther than it has already reached.  What I do want to acknowledge is my outrage that a major publication would publish such vitriol and my despair that there are people in this world who are such a cruel combination of ignorant and hateful.  The comments afterward bring out all of the crazies - looking for ways to be as hateful as possible with their words.  How do people become so lacking in basic human decency and compassion like that?  (Oh - maybe it is the incessant dehumanizing messages about fatness and fat people that we are exposed to everywhere we go!  Do we really believe that does no harm?)

     It isn't just fat-hating articles that promote this kind of hateful reaction, either.  When someone suggests something as sensical as focusing on promoting health rather than weight loss, the cruelty flies in earnest.  How DARE anyone suggest that the prejudice against fatness and fat people be lessened in any way?!  Here is a good example of that:  thesocietypages.org/socimages/2011/07/13/the-fit-fat-fight/ .  Can you even imagine people saying such cruel and hateful things?  Where does that kind of cruelty even come from?  How is it that someone could ever say to another human being - for ANY reason - "I hope you die!" or "I would like to punch you in your fat face!"???  I just can't even begin to comprehend how someone could be so hateful.  What are we creating in our world with this anti-fat climate?

     I mean, I know that there is hate and ignorance in the world.  There are so many different kinds of prejudices and inhumanities that we create against each other that it is heartbreaking to even begin to contemplate.  Really.  Whether it is the Westboro Church or Glenn Beck or The Biggest Loser or (the list is fairly endless, right? - and lots of stuff that is SO much more serious than these examples!) ... the hate is all around us ... it permeates our society.  It suffocates all of us.  How can we even function?  I think that we are all heroes to even get out of bed in the morning in a world filled with such animosity and cruelty - a constant assault of negative messages about ourselves, our bodies, and our lives.

     And I am sitting here thinking:  how DO we keep going?  How do we hold our heads up and move on?  How do we create wonderful lives filled with love and meaningful friendships?  How do we avoid getting caught in the traps of hatred and shame that are set up like mines in an overloaded minefield everywhere we go?  Seriously - is there ANY safe space in this world where there isn't some form of prejudice or judgment or negativity actively occurring - either overtly or with some level of subtlety?  Have you ever been anywhere where weight was not mentioned in some way that reinforced prejudice against fatness?

     Well, if you are lucky, like I have been - you might have spent some time in communities that foster love and acceptance.  Particularly in fat pride/body liberation communities, this is the case.  Because even in communities that promote love - I have found a LOT of body negativity and the promotion of thin supremacy.  That has been very distressing for me.  Our culture is so permeated with body-negative, fat-hating messages that people don't even notice the damage they do as they both intentionally and  (more often, perhaps) unintentionally promote prejudice and body-shaming.  It seems a very similar thing to me how people used to accept racial supremacy as a given.  One day soon, I hope that thin supremacy will be seen as being every bit as ugly and wrong and ignorant as racism.  

     I am thinking now of how to keep my balance in this world.  How do I keep creating my wonderful life and not get side-tracked by all of the negative messages that are constantly thrown across our paths?  I have some strategies that I find helpful:

*I read inspirational articles and books by people who are in alignment with my belief systems of love, compassion, dignity and respect for all.  These words help to build bridges and safe passageways over the words and actions that would otherwise bring me down.

*I spend time with like-minded people who value love and intimacy and kindness and authenticity.

*I make connections with like-minded people, particularly rad fatties, who create a loving support network and who also provide me with endless inspiration in how they bravely live their daily lives - and also by how some create amazing spaces, art, theatre, dance, books, activism and other wonderful things out in the world.

*I keep connecting with my Inner Self - with the LOVE that is me.

*I push forward and do the things in life that I enjoy and that bring me pleasure - whether it is swimming (chunky-dunking being my favorite! - that is "skinny-dipping" for people who aren't skinny, btw) or golfing or bellydancing or going out to eat and enjoying whatever I feel like eating or dancing or ANYTHING!  I am not about to let other people's prejudices about weight hold me back!  I can wear what I want, I can do what I want, I can eat what I want ... and I am adamant about creating that space for myself and others.  

*I do not accept fat-negative or weight-loss promoting messages around me.  I speak up.  Sometimes I walk away.  I just refuse to be a part of any system which reinforces the value of one human being over another.  We ALL matter!  We ALL deserve to be treated with love and compassion, respect and dignity!  

     You can help out, you know.  You can stop contributing to a world where prejudice is blindly accepted and where people believe that it is perfectly okay to be cruel and judgmental towards others.  You can stop talking about losing weight or dieting.  You can stop making comments about your own weight - or anyone else's.  You can stop thinking that happily saying "You lost weight!" is a harmless compliment - it isn't!   If you want to take it further, you can stop conflating health with weight - and actually get informed about size diversity and health.  Start here:  www.sizediversityandhealth.org .  But, at the very least, stop being critical about people's bodies - your own or anyone else's.  We ALL live in our bodies.  We have no place else to go!  We need and deserve to feel good and at home in our bodies!  So, please - don't be a part of contributing to a culture where anyone feels unsafe in their own body!  

     

      I am one of the small percentage of American adults who exercises regularly.  A big part of the reason that I do exercise regularly is that I have managed to separate the idea of exercise from the idea of a weight outcome.  In other words, if my motivation to exercise was based on weight, I would have quit a long time ago.  

     In general, exercise does not produce weight loss - at least, not significant weight loss and not over a significant amount of time.  But exercise does produce a lot of other great results!  Ragen Chastain goes into some of these results in this blog post:  danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/07/11/that-fit-and-fat-thing/  and also makes some really important points about exercise and fitness in this blog post (which inspired what I am writing today):  danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/07/13/dancing-with-my-ass-on-2/ .  

     For myself, I can say that exercising regularly makes me feel good and significantly reduces pain in my body.  I enjoy being active.  It is not making me any thinner - but it significantly improves the quality of my life.  And yes, when I went from being injured and basically inactive for a couple of years to being more active again, I did lose a little weight initially.  But the weight loss did not continue - and my weight actually went back up a little after a while, even though my healthy habits did continue.  I am still getting all of the benefits of exercise - and I am still exercising, regardless of what is happening with my weight.  And I think this is such an important point!  Because with the climate and focus we have today around weight, "obesity", exercise and "healthy eating" - most people are not able to sustain motivation to make health-promoting choices in their lives.  Because most healthy choices don't result in long-term weight loss.  So, "if you aren't going to get thin (or thinner) - or if you already are naturally thin - why bother?" is the mentality that our "war on obesity" promotes.  This sort of thinking really hurts everybody.

     Imagine what it would be like to live in a world where weight diversity was respected.  Imagine what it would be like to pay attention to your body and feel what feels good to and for your body and your life - and make choices based on that.  Imagine making choices that make your body feel good and you feel happy - and that you pay no attention whatsoever to how that affects your weight.  This would be a big stretch in imagination for a lot of people, right?  A nearly impossible stretch for some people.  But think about it.

     If you are making mostly healthful choices when you eat and you are being active in some fun way on a daily basis ... and your body is whatever size it is ... then what else could you possibly do that is healthy and sustainable and ultimately satisfying for your life?  Sure, you could diet for a while and lose some weight - but eventually the weight loss will stop and like 95-98% of dieters do, you will gain all of the weight back, often plus more.  And were you really eating healthfully on your diet?  Most of the time, the answer is "no".  People on diets generally eat too few calories to sustain their basic metabolism - and they often eat chemical-laden crap that isn't even really food.  It is clearly NOT about health!  Plus, limiting one's food choices and intake inevitably leads to some psychological backlash - and often to over-eating.  Aside from it being just damned unpleasant for you - and for everyone around you who has to deal with all of your food phobias and preoccupation with your diet.  How much healthier to eat real food and to just pay attention to what feels good in your body!  Our bodies do talk to us - we just need to pay attention!

     The myths about the connection between exercise, healthy eating and weight are damaging on so many levels:

*They promote a climate of stigmatization, bigotry and prejudice based on body size, which is largely an immutable characteristic.  Why would we allow anything that promotes the dehumanization of others to be not only "acceptable" but embraced and even promoted by our own government (yes, Michelle Obama, we are back to you again) and health systems?

*They promote a de-motivating atmosphere for almost everyone.  Naturally thin people feel like they are immune from needing to practice healthful habits - because, hey, they already look good - why should they bother?  Naturally fat people feel discouraged when they do everything "right" and their bodies still don't look like we are socialized into believing they "should" - again, why bother?

*They promote a culture of body-distrust and body-shaming which damages people of all sizes.  Nobody deserves to feel ashamed of their body!  

 *They promote a culture of desperation where a 60 BILLION dollar a year industry has turned body-hatred and fear of fat into an incredibly profitable and powerful force that is able to permeate our society with constant negative messages about our bodies, creating body dissatisfaction, insecurity, eating disorders and untold unhappiness.

*They promote a false morality around when people are being "good" or "bad" about what they eat or how/if they exercise.  No, I am NOT "being good" when I walk 18 holes of golf!  I am just enjoying myself!  No, I am not being bad if I choose to eat a brownie!  What we eat and how we move (or don't) does NOT NOT NOT have any moral significance!!!

*They take a lot of the natural joy out of living.  Playing and exercising is fun!  Eating healthfully - and for pleasure - is fun!  Putting a focus on weight throws the balance out of everything and drains the fun.  It turns what is naturally fun into a boring chore to be avoided.  

     The side effects of our focus on weight are inestimable - as they sneak into every nook and cranny of our lives and our culture - and create endless damage.  We DO have a choice.  We can choose to separate healthy habits from weight outcomes.  We can choose to see beyond the prejudices and myths that we've been taught.  We can choose to make peace with our own bodies.  We can choose to respect our own bodies and the bodies of others.  We can stop ever referring to our bodies or the bodies of others as "disgusting" or "gross" or "ugly" or any other pejorative term.  We can stop saying that we (or anyone else) needs to lose weight.  We can create respect for body diversity. 

     I also want to add here - because it never feels complete without it - that health is a gift.  No matter what choices a person makes, health is not a guaranteed result.  Also, health is not a mandate for being deserving of basic human rights and dignity - and neither are healthy choices.  The beautiful thing is that we are all free to make the choices in our lives that we want to make.  We all deserve that freedom and autonomy - and we all deserve to be treated with compassion and respect regardless of the choices that we make (as long as we don't harm others, of course).  

     So, enjoy some yoga or a nice walk.  See you in Zumba or bellydancing class!  Care to join me on the golf course for a beautiful walk around 18?  Have fun on a bike ride!  See you at the swimming pool!  The possibilities are endless ... and at some level, for me anyway, they all start with body acceptance and appreciation.  I love all of the things my body can do!

     I hope to see a world where we all choose to celebrate, respect and appreciate all bodies - including our own!   For more information in how to get the focus off of weight and onto health, please visit:  www.sizediversityandhealth.org and the Health at Every Size blog at  healthateverysizeblog.wordpress.com/ .

 I wrote the following post to my fatstudies group - because they are a good place where I can talk about this sort of thing (I suppose I could have just written it here, but that was a more private, safer space for my first venture into this - now I'm ready to speak about it more publicly):

  The definition of “negotiate” includes both to travel successfully along and to arrange to bring about through discussion and compromise.  So, we negotiate life both for ourselves and along with others.  And sometimes, there is a gap in between the paths of how we would like to negotiate our own lives and how other people that we are in relationship with would like to negotiate their own lives - and how we both negotiate our paths together.  What I would like to do is to explore this gap a little bit.  Take a look at how we can remain in integrity with ourselves and still be respectful of our relationships and agreements with other people.

      I was talking to a couple of women today before my Zumba class.  We were talking about some of the Zumba Nights Out - and whether we were going to "Zumbapalooza" this Friday night.  Wondering if the space was big - because if there's not enough room to move, it really isn't fun.  Case in point: the bar across the street.  We all agreed it's no fun going there - you can't see the instructors and there's no room to move.  But what there is ... is "bikini Fridays" where the waitresses wear bikinis.  The one time I went, it was freezing.  I was wearing a sweatshirt and I was still cold.  I felt so sorry for the girls walking around in bikinis.  Some things in life just surpass ridiculousness ....

     Anyway, one of the women said that the bikinis aren't so bad ... but there's this one "chunky" girl who "really shouldn't be wearing a bikini."  The other nodded emphatically in agreement.  Oh, how I tire of this sort of body negativity and judgment.  What bodies are "acceptable" or "unacceptable" - who "gets" to wear what.  So, I just smiled and said, "oh, but lots of guys like bigger girls.  And I personally find bigger girls attractive."  And she said, "well, maybe if they are in shape or have a nice ass - but this one had cellulite and her butt was just hanging."  And I smiled again and said, "well, some people like that.  And isn't it better to embrace diversity and celebrate all body types?  That way, you don't feel judged in your body and nobody else feels judged in their body?"  And the two women sort of nodded their heads and smiled.  

     I have no idea if they were agreeing with me ... or both agreeing with each other than I'm kind of "out there."  And I don't care.  But this I know:  nobody is going to say shit about anybody else's body in front of me without getting a body-positive rebuttal.  That's what I can do.  I can't change the whole world.  I can't get Dr. Oz or Oprah to stop being jackasses.  I can't get Michelle Obama to see how much damage she is doing or to understand that she is creating the very bullying that she is supposedly taking a stand against.  I can't stop the diet companies or the obnoxious ads or the endless stream of magazines that teach girls and women to hate themselves and to fear their bodies.  But I can choose to not let size prejudice and body disparagement happen in front of me without my saying anything.  And I can choose not to accept shame for my own body or the bodies of anyone else.  

     Being in this very zen place of oceanic depth (see my previous post), I'm feeling like all of this hoopla about the size of our bodies is SO old, so yesterday.  C'mon people!  It's time to move into the future where EVERY body gets to be respected and celebrated and loved!  And what can you do?  You can start with respecting, celebrating and loving your own body - and then extend that to everyone else!  

     

  One day, as my Mom was nearing the end of her life, she was laying in bed and I was sitting in a chair next to her bed reading - when I suddenly heard her laughing.  Just sort of chuckling to herself happily.  I looked up and smiled and asked what was so funny.  She looked at me and said, “People are so funny.”  And then she kind of shook her head and kept laughing, clearly amused.  

      I had, for me, a pretty big epiphany this past weekend.  I was assisting at a HAI (Human Awareness Institute) weekend workshop.  When I went to the workshop, for the first time ever, I felt like there was nothing that I needed or was looking for from the weekend.  I was just there to hold space and be of service.  I was feeling really grounded and centered.  I'm very happy in my life right now.  That last post I wrote on body image? Yeah - that is really taking root in me.  So, I was in this good space, mentally and emotionally.

     I had a fun and heart-filling Friday night.  I felt solid in myself.  Sometime on Saturday, I noticed that I was feeling kind of like I wasn't being vulnerable - because I was so grounded and there were no issues going on in me at the time (which is a very strange feeling all by itself!), I almost felt a little detached and was wondering if I shouldn't try somehow to be more vulnerable so that I could have an opportunity for personal growth and/or healing.  Difficult to describe, in a way - but there was this little temptation to start playing some of my old tapes so that I could feel vulnerable and go to this place where I feel broken and where tears come easily and where I beat myself up - and somehow, that is what I was thinking of as "vulnerability."  But I just wasn't willing to go there.  I didn't need to.  That wasn't authentic for me.  That wasn't what was going on inside of me - and I didn't want to create some sort of false misery so that I could feel more "connected."  So, I ended up having a great Saturday.  Fun.  Full of love.  Productive.  Happy.

     And Sunday morning, I woke up with my epiphany:  vulnerability is NOT about being broken or weak or hurt or relating from a damaged place inside of me.  Vulnerability is not contingent upon there being pain or trauma or drama.  Vulnerability is about being authentic and being present to whatever is really going on inside.  I was actually quite vulnerable all weekend.  I was open, aware, honest, authentic.  And I realized that I can be vulnerable even when I'm feeling strong and grounded and clear.  A couple of times, tears did spring to my eyes when I talked about something really tender to me.  But they weren't self-deprecating tears or tears caused by my beating myself up.  When I talk about things that are deep and emotional, sometimes there are tears.  And there were also some tears of joy.  But all of the tears that came during the weekend for me - came while I was still feeling grounded and strong - just open-hearted and unguarded.  

     One might reasonably ask why anyone would ever want to make themselves vulnerable.  After all, if you look up the word in the dictionary, it mostly sounds like a dangerous thing to be.  "Open to attack", "a person who lets their guard down, leaving themselves susceptible to censure or criticism",  "the quality or state of having little resistance to some outside agent", or "the state of being without shelter or protection against something harmful."  But I agree with Brené Brown on vulnerability:  "And I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness, but it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, and creativity, of belonging, of love."  So, that is why I feel like being able/willing to be vulnerable is so important.  

     And now, I'm really happy to have the realization that vulnerability does not require brokenness or weakness.  It just requires being authentic, being in the moment, being fully present.  Sometimes my vulnerability will come when I am feeling weak or broken or sad.  But my vulnerability is also available when I'm happy and grounded and strong.  In fact, sometimes it is a really vulnerable feeling to feel happy and strong.  It can feel a bit like bragging or arrogance.  It can feel a bit like an invitation for others to come along and try to knock you down.  And it feels vulnerable to feel in a place of not needing anything - because surely there will come a time again when I will need something - and there's a level of vulnerability in changing - because there's some pressure (at least, I notice it) to always be the same.  People get uncomfortable when we change, when we aren't predictable.  And also, when we've been feeling strong, it can be embarrassing to admit that we're not feeling so strong at another time - we can get caught up in the illusion of our strength and then feel ashamed of our weakness.

     The thing is - we are beautiful in every aspect of ourselves - all the way from our strongest strong to our weakest weak.  And the people who really see us and love us - love us wherever we are on that sliding scale.  And it is a sliding scale - many (most?) of us have our moments at both ends and everywhere in between.  What I'm loving is that we can be wherever we are and still love ourselves fully and still feel connected to others.  I think that's real vulnerability - the kind of vulnerability that allows connection, belonging, love, joy and creativity.  It's the kind of vulnerability that gives our lives meaning.

     A friend of mine quoted Michael Beckwith to me when I told her my thoughts on vulnerability and pain.  Beckwith said:  "pain pushes until vision pulls."  Before last weekend, pain was pushing me toward personal growth and vulnerability.  Last weekend, vision was pulling me toward personal growth and vulnerability (my new definition of it).  I'm sure there will be times in the future when pain will push me again.  But its nice to know that it's just as effective (perhaps even more effective) when vision pulls.  I'd rather create my life how I want it rather than be stuck in the rut of just responding to pain (past or present).  I went into the weekend not really needing or wanting anything ... but, as always, I came away from the weekend having learned and gained so much.  HAI is such a gift!