Kat's Haven

      I'm not sure how or when it started, but I've thought in worst-case scenarios for a long time -- at the very least, since my daughter was born.  She was at least five years old before I stopped putting my hand on her in the middle of every night (often more than once) to make sure that she was still breathing.  I could have easily written "Final Dimension" -- because that's sort of what I automatically see every time I look around -- the potential of every little thing that could go wrong and be a threat.  It is as though I somehow believed that if I were vigilant enough, I could make sure that nothing bad happened.  It hasn't mattered that I know this isn't true and that I simply don't have that much power (none of us do).  This sort of thinking has informed many of the thoughts and behaviors of my life.  And it is time to stop.  For many reasons.

     It isn't good for my health -- physical, mental, or emotional -- to be in a state of constant stress from the worry of all of the horrible things that could happen.  Why would I do that to myself?  In the 17 plus years that my daughter has been alive, I have driven myself crazy with worry -- and driven her crazy with my over-protectiveness.  I'm doing WAY better than I was as the kindergarten Mom who cried til I was sick when she went on her first field trip and I couldn't be one of the chaperones.  I had to (gasp!) trust another parent to watch over her.  In my defense, I had lost my first baby to premature labor, so I knew firsthand that disaster could strike and my whole world could be ripped out from under me.  But still, that sort of thinking isn't actually helpful to anyone.  I've suffered (in my mind) countless traumas over the years ... that never actually happened.  Why would I put myself through that?  The one thing that did actually happen (my Mom dying of cancer) was completely out of my control.  I was helpless in the face of it.

     I had a scary experience last weekend that made me start to see the futility of my disaster thinking.  I was walking on the shores of Lake Michigan.  I was alone, although a father and little boy were down the beach a ways from me.  I was taking pictures of stones on the packed wet sand where the water had receded and was starting to come back in.  This was the kind of sand that is solid, as opposed to the sand that is a little more difficult to walk in.  I was taking a picture of a stone and stepped back toward the water when all of the sudden, the ground underneath me gave way and I went straight down.  It was kind of like quicksand or a sink hole.  In less than a second, the sand was over my knees.  It was totally shocking.  Instinct took over and I got myself immediately horizontal and crawled out like a crab.  I did that so fast that I'm not sure how far I would have sunk.  This experience made me realize two things: 1) if and when disaster strikes, it will be something completely unexpected, and 2) if and when disaster strikes, I will instinctively know what to do.  I don't actually have to mentally prepare for the worst-case scenario all of the time.  In fact, I think that my health (mental, physical and emotional) would be much better off if I didn't.

      Another influence that's got me thinking lately in Lenore Skenazy, author of Free Range Kids.  I've subscribed to her newsletter/blog -- and that has got me thinking in new ways.  Really, bringing a bit of sanity and reality -- and a sense of the benevolence of the Universe and of the people around us -- to my way of seeing the world.  Lenore is, if you will remember, the Mom who let her 10 year old son ride on the subway by himself.  When I heard that, I thought that was something that I would never do.  But he was fine -- and allowed to develop a sense of independence.  As I read Lenore's words, I come to see how much I've been influenced by the media -- and the constant reporting of disaster news.  I've been quite nearly brainwashed to see the world as a dangerous place.  

     Anyway, I'm not saying that there aren't smart decisions to make regarding personal safety -- and children's safety.  I'm just saying that living as though disaster lurks around every corner isn't exactly healthy either.  Yesterday, I made the amazing (for me) step of allowing my daughter to ride the train by herself (!) from Detroit to Ann Arbor to go visit a friend.  One of her friends dropped her off at the train station.  Yeah, we texted a lot during the hour long train ride.  LOL  But, wow!  She got there safely and is having a blast hanging out with her friends at the University of Michigan, which is hopefully what she'll be doing next year all of the time (well, not just hanging out, but going to school there and having fun with friends).  

     One last thing before I go ... I have disconnected a bit from my cell phone.  I actually don't have it connected to my person at all times!  And the world hasn't ended!  There have been no emergencies that required my immediate attention.  I actually went for a long walk the other day and didn't bring my phone!  The exclamation point is because that's huge for me.  I don't remember the last time I did that.  And it feels wonderful.  It feels wonderful to trust that there isn't an impending disaster right around the corner.  And to take a deeper breath.

     The other night, I went to a program sponsored by my daughter's high school about teenage drug and alcohol use.  I thought it might be useful to be a little more informed.  What I was left feeling, however, was not so much informed ... as alarmed.  And not alarmed with what my daughter may do or be exposed to -- but alarmed by the complete lack of common sense and compassion that so many adults have -- and the complete lack of practical solutions for dealing with teens and the normal experimentation that does (and probably always has and always will) happen with alcohol, for example.  The program was put on by many mental health professionals and a police officer.  What I found it to be was a giant mental health mishap.

     A good example of this is a quote from a newsletter that was handed out at the meeting.  The following short passage is a sample exchange between parents on how to make sure that your kids don't drink:

     Underage Drinking: A Conversation Between Parents 

     "You might as well just let your kids drink, they're going to anyway."

     "It's illegal and we have a zero tolerance policy."

     "So?  Don't you want them to call you when they need a ride home?"

     "No.  I'm also not going to encourage my children to carry a gun, shoot up crack, or take drugs -- anything illegal.  So, I will not offer my child a ride home after participating in illegal activities.  I don't know why we encourage teenagers to drink because 'they're going to do it anyway'."

      Okay, so the point of this exchange is that we're supposed to have the "zero tolerance policy" -- which is brought to us, no doubt, by the same geniuses who brought us the "abstinence only" policy.  Yes, live in a fantasy world where you believe that you can prevent teenagers from doing the things that most teenagers do -- and deny them the information, support, and protection that they need to keep themselves healthy and safe.  

     I don't normally like to make fun of other people's belief systems -- to each their own, live and let live, is my motto.  Along with "And it harm none, do what ye will."  But let's look at that.  What this zero tolerance approach is suggesting, if I understand it correctly, is that if your child does drink against your wishes ... that the punishment (or consequence, if you will) is that they are put into the position of risking their lives.  Because you, the parent who demands full control of your child's actions, would rather that the child be killed in a car accident (and perhaps kill someone else) than that your orders be defied.  Heaven forbid you bend your moral fibers one iota in order to save your child's (or anyone else's) life!  That is "harm done" in my book.  So, there's where I draw the line.  When your moral righteousness trumps your love of your children, there is a problem.

     This is so much like the abstinence only crap where you'd rather your child be exposed to STDs (even potentially fatal), or pregnancy -- rather than give them the appropriate information and protection to keep them safe.  This moralistic bullshit is so incompassionate and inhumane that I find it difficult to understand how anyone could value their children so little.  

     Having a non-hysterical approach to sex and to alcohol does NOT mean that you are encouraging or even condoning either behavior.  It just means that you are a realistic person who cares more about the well-being of your child than about random moral principles.  It also does not mean that your child will have a higher inclination to engage in sexual activity or alcohol consumption -- it just means that, if they do, you will be there for them -- or at least they will have the information and support they need to be as safe as possible given the choices they are making (and would have been making anyway, no matter what you have said).

     I realize that the consumption of alcohol by minors is illegal.  I also realize that it happens all of the time -- and that, if she's average/normal, my daughter will experiment with it a bit.  Knowing that, I'm going to do whatever I can to help her be safe if and when she does.  She knows that she will absolutely not drive a car if she has been drinking.  She will not get into a car with a driver who has been drinking.  She will not let her friends drive drunk.  She knows that she and any of her friends can call me for a ride should they ever need it.  My main priority is that she stay safe and healthy.  I don't give a rat's ass about anything else when it comes down to a choice about my daughter's safety.

      In many countries around the world, there are no laws against children drinking.  There is nothing inherently evil or harmful in the consumption of alcohol.  Comparing it to violence (a gun) or to shooting up crack is just ridiculous.  There are lots of laws that people don't hold to the letter -- just look at speed limits, for example.   But I digress ...

     My daughter and I have always been close.  We trust each other and talk to each other.  She tells me things that most kids don't tell their parents.  I've known about who's doing what all along -- and there's been lots of sex, alcohol and drugs all the way since middle school amongst many of her classmates.  A lot of these kids are going through life and all of these sometimes scary experiences without the benefit of a parent or a caring adult to talk with about what they are doing.  Nobody wants to hear a "just say no" lecture.  I keep my daughter's confidences because I know that if I go blabbing about them or judging what she tells me -- the line of communication will shut down. 

     I want to be here for my daughter.  I don't want her to go through any scary experiences alone.  I want her to be able to talk to me if she is thinking of trying something -- or if she has done something and she needs to talk about how she feels about it.  It doesn't do her any good at all if I'm just a lecturing wall that tells her not to do the things that I wish she would wait to do.  I can express that I wish she would wait -- and even give her some options -- but I also have to let her know that I won't judge her and that I will always love her no matter what at the same time -- because if I don't do that, she will stop revealing herself to me.

     The thing is ... no matter what I say or do, she is going to be who she is.  Even if I sat on her during her whole senior year and made sure that she never had an opportunity to get into "trouble" -- the fact is that she is going to go away to college next fall.  I can't sit on her then -- and if I've lost her trust and the ability for her to communicate with me, then she'll be facing that independence all alone -- as well as probably with a "hell yeah, I'm free!" rebellion that she wouldn't have if I hadn't tried to sit on her and control her every move and decision.  

     At 17, she is very close to an adult.  Yes, she will continue to mature -- but her basic personality and values are already formed.  I've done my job the best I could -- and now I need to step into a supporting role as she takes over her own life.  In that supporting role, I will do everything in my power to help her navigate this crazy world and stay safe.  Doing anything other than that seems insane to me.  

     I leave you with one quick story:  my daughter told me this summer about a girl that she was friends with in elementary school.  This girl has been seen in many places (very often the school parking lot in the early morning), by many people, with her boyfriend, having sex in the car that her parents gave her.  (Giving teenagers cars is a whole other topic that I will decline to weigh in on at the moment, other than to say that I'm generally not in favor of it -- although, as in most things, there are exceptions).  She's also been spotted buying condoms.  She's also been drinking a lot of alcohol since middle school.  I ran into her mother the other day and we got to talking.  She actually told me how lucky she is that her daughter is so "good" -- I almost choked.  We are talking complete denial.  I imagine many parents are in this level of denial.  I did not enlighten her.  I'm not breaking my trust with my daughter, for one thing.  And it is not my responsibility if other parents fail to have honest and open communication with their children.  If they make their children hide from them who they really are, then the consequence of that is that they don't get to know their children in an authentic way.  That's a choice parents have.  I think that choosing to know who your kid really is -- that's the only choice that I can live with.

     And one final thought:  we can only do the best we can do.  There are no really good choices, if you ask me, when it comes to dealing with teenagers and drinking (or any other possibly dangerous behaviors).  We as parents are stuck between the proverbial rock and the hard place.  There is nothing that we can do to guarantee our children's safety -- we can only do the best that we can do.  Any choice can lead to problems.  You just have to hope/pray/believe that your child has great angels and that everything happens for a reason.  We all have our lessons.  Hopefully, we survive them and they make us stronger.  

     This is a concept that I'm just starting to play with, so sort of an incomplete blog post ... I'll be coming back to this issue again and again -- because I realize how much of a hidden (and not-so-hidden) influence this has on my life.  For now:      

     "Should" has been a word that I've hated and rejected for a long time.  I bristle at the very notion of "should".  But "should" is a sneaky little concept.  You don't have to use the actual word to have the feeling and behavior.  I thought I was really good at avoiding "should" and marching to my own drummer, thank you very much.  I'm starting to realize how much more power over me "should" had than I realized.

     There is so much in my life that I do on auto-pilot ... automatically, without thinking about it.  It's just the way things are done.  Doesn't occur to me to question it ... until now.  Whether it is something like putting other people's needs first, or eating the leftovers when there is something else I'd much prefer, or any of the dozens of things that I do in a day -- I have to ask, am I doing this because I want/need/desire to do this?  Or am I doing it because I think I should?  Sadly, while carefully avoiding the actual word "should" -- I've been embracing many of the actions of "should" (cleverly hidden in various disguises) for most of my life.

     When I exercise, is it because I enjoy it and want to be doing it ... or is it because I think I should be doing it in order to be healthy?  Usually, it is because I want to be doing it -- and when it isn't, I would like to listen to my Self and honor that.  There are times when exercise might not be the best choice.  When I eat, am I eating what I enjoy and want ... or am I eating what "needs to be eaten before it goes bad"?  I need to never eat any food that I don't really want!  Why on earth would I force myself to eat leftovers that I don't want (and that nobody else wants -- and nobody else would eat either!)?  I need to be like the people who think enough of themselves to feel like they deserve to eat what they really want.  Or do what they really want to do.  

     I don't accept an obligation to act any certain way or to make any choices that aren't from my authentic desires/wants/needs.  My new approach is to ask why I'm making the choices I'm making.  Is there any aspect of "should" in there?  Any place where my authenticity is denied?  

     These are just a couple of things that jump out at me -- there are many, many more -- some of them so subtle that I'm going to have to play detective.  But I do intend to search them out and free myself!  More to come ....

    There have been a small handful of organizations that have had an essential, transformative, liberating, life-enhancing impact on my life.  The Human Awareness Institute is one of them.  So I want to share some information about HAI with you.   From their newsletter: 

     "The Human Awareness Institute (HAI) empowers individuals to be potent, loving, contributing human beings.  HAI promotes personal growth and social evolution by replacing ignorance and fear with awareness and love.
 
     HAI aims to create a world where people live together in dignity, respect, understanding, trust, kindness, compassion, honesty, and love.  The Human Awareness Institute is committed to creating a world where everyone wins."

     My husband and I were fortunate enough to attend a HAI Couples Workshop right at the beginning of our relationship.  I can't speak highly enough of the skills in listening, appreciating, communicating, and connecting with each other which that workshop gave to us.  It was perfect!  Whether your relationship is new or is decades old, if you are interested in more intimacy, connectedness and love with your partner, as well as better communication, I highly recommend this workshop!

     The majority of HAI workshops are for individuals -- although you can certainly attend them with a significant other.  They have a one-day workshop as well as the different levels weekend workshops.  I've attended the one day workshop twice and the Level One workshop.  I'm SO excited to be taking the Level Two workshop in November!  (I've been wanting to do this for years -- but I couldn't get away when Mom was so sick).  Let me tell you briefly why I'm excited and how my life has changed since I first went to HAI.

     Before HAI, I thought that the idea of loving myself was embarrassing.  I mean, I wanted to love myself -- I thought love was important.  I loved other people!  But I was much more comfortable hating myself and feeling inadequate.  If I did have moments of self-love, I didn't show them -- I wouldn't have wanted anyone to think I thought too highly of myself.  I'm kind of struggling to write this -- because I have changed so much and it is really difficult to remember, much less articulate, how I used to feel.  I also longed for intimacy -- ever since I was a kid, there was a level of honesty and intimacy that called to me deeply -- and yet, I feared that I would never find that in my life.  I didn't know how to get there, how to open myself up, how to let myself connect -- really, how to let myself just be human.  

     After starting HAI, I have stopped thinking of loving myself (or anyone else) as embarrassing.  Love of self is essential!  (And yes, I'd read that before in books like Leo Buscaglia's, etc. -- I had the mental awareness of that and the emotional desire for that -- but I hadn't found a way to actually feel that and own that in my life).  I became more willing to reach out and connect with others.  Over these past many years, I have sought out my essential and authentic self -- and worked to express myself and to connect with others.  I have learned to have boundaries.  It is all a process -- I am still growing every day.   

     In HAI, I learned to really love and accept and cherish my body.  I'd been on that path a little bit anyway, in the "size acceptance" movement (as it was called back then) -- but HAI brought that home for me.  What really sealed the deal was when I became a nudist.  That gave me a level of body love, acceptance and celebration that I couldn't have imagined, really, before I went to HAI.  Put it this way -- when I was younger, I always wanted to be a nudist -- but I thought I would do it if I ever got my body "good enough" (which, with my critical attitude toward myself was never going to happen) -- going to HAI gave me the courage to do it anyway -- and you know what?  Nobody has a "perfect" body -- and ALL bodies are good enough! -- and beautiful in their own ways.  

     I'm so excited to go to Level Two because I'm ready to go deeper.  I'm ready to expand my ability to love myself, to be at peace with myself, to connect more deeply with others.  I intend to do all of the levels of HAI over the next few years (I think there are 10) because what is more wonderful and important in life than love and intimacy!?  And these workshops are a great place to experiment and to discover ways to connect with, love, and honor yourself and others.  They have so many cool exercises that help you to know yourself better and love yourself more -- and to share yourself with others and to value diversity and to be true to yourself, etc.  HAI workshops are truly phenomenal.

     If you'd like more information, please visit www.hai.org  and/or www.HAImidwest.org .  They have workshops all over.  They also have introductory events so that you can get more information and talk with some people about their experiences in HAI.  I can't recommend them highly enough!

     

      Loving our bodies is the most natural thing on earth.  What baby did you ever see who didn't love their own toes and everything else about themselves?  Taking joy and pleasure in our bodies is our birthright.  So, why do so many people (women especially) have difficulty loving our bodies?  Why aren't we delighting in these precious vehicles that carry us through this life and bring us so many opportunities for so much pleasure?  Why are people critical of bodies -- their own bodies and the bodies of others?  Rhetorical questions, really.  It's obvious that we are socialized to judge and criticize our bodies, to doubt and belittle ourselves and others, and to not trust the beautiful miracles of life which are our bodies.  We are taught in many ways to not trust our pleasure responses -- which, in my opinion, are some of the best guides to our highest truths.

     It doesn't have to be this way.  You don't have to buy into the social/media messages of what makes a person "beautiful" or "worthwhile" -- or of what makes a body "good" or "sexy".  We can love ourselves exactly as we are in each moment -- and delight in our bodies and the experiences which our bodies give us every day.  There are no "perfect" bodies.  There is nobody who doesn't suffer some form of pain, illness or disease over a lifetime.  Yet, most of us are blessed with many moments where we have countless opportunities to enjoy the experience of our bodies.  And we really need to be jumping at these chances to enjoy our bodies.  We need to be celebrating our bodies and our lives.  We need to feel the daily joy of being in a body!

     I've started exchanging lists with a good friend of things that make us feel alive.  What makes your soul sing?  What makes your body rejoice?  What sensations make you giddy with happiness?  Or serene, calm, peaceful?  What brings you joy?  Start making your lists!  And keep them growing -- because these things that feed us (body, mind, and spirit) are important!

     I love my body.  I really, deeply love and appreciate my body.  I think it is beautiful.  There are so many things that I love about my body -- so much pleasure that my body brings to me.  My body is not "perfect" -- and I don't expect it to be.  In fact, I have no hopes, plans or wishes to change my body.  It is what it is.  I just enjoy my body every day.  If I happen to get stronger, I still enjoy my body.  If I happen to get injured, I still enjoy my body.  I do what I can to take care of my body, to help myself heal if I'm hurt, to keep myself active as much as possible and/or desirable to me. I eat foods that feel good in my body and that taste good to me.  Sometimes I eat foods that don't feel so good in my body -- but boy, are they delicious!  A little pain for my pleasure once in a while.  I still celebrate my body.

     When I was much younger and much thinner, I used to fervently hate my body.  Body hatred comes in all sizes.  Feeling "fat" comes in all sizes.  That sort of "fat" is a codeword for "worthless".  It has nothing to do with size or actual adiposity.  I sometimes thought I was too fat to live.  (Back when I was a size 10, just to give a reference for that --now I'm a size 22 and have none of those feelings at all).  I hated the way my stomach pooched out -- my little belly was the source of incredible angst for me.  I look back at how crazy that was -- and wonder how I could have ever bought into that garbage.  I seriously thought nobody would ever love me unless I got really thin and had a flat belly.  I used to think that if I just lost enough weight, I would have more confidence and everything in my life would be wonderful, perfect.  Thankfully, I learned better.  

     I'm now married to a wonderful man whom I love and who loves me unconditionally.  I have a wonderful life that I love.  I'm not waiting for anything in my body to be different so that I can change anything in my life.  I am so much fatter now than I was when I compromised my life constantly, waiting to be thinner so that I could start living.  Now, there is nothing holding me back.  I don't compromise my body.  I don't compromise my self-esteem or my life.  I feel a sense of being at home in my body and loving my body that I wish everyone could feel.  There is enormous freedom in eating what I want, what feels good to me -- and not trying to be a certain size, but just be-ing!  Live-ing!  Not die-(t)-ing!  I think of restricted eating as restricted living as a compromised life.  No thanks!  I want a FULL life!  I now LIVE a life that I couldn't have imagined back when I thought that my body needed to be different in order for me to be happy, to be loved, to be anything.  

     Now that my belly is significantly fatter than it was, I delight in my belly.  We have become great friends.  I love the softness of my belly.  It feels good.  I started loving my belly first when I was pregnant and then when I started loving the bellies of other people.  I just started noticing how attractive I found the softness and bulk of other people.  I started seeing myself with those same eyes.  Now, I see all sizes of people as beautiful and attractive and vital.  Because I make no negative judgments about the bodies of other people, I am free to make no negative judgments about my own body.  I appreciate the diversity and wonderful variations in body sizes, shapes and colors that exist in the world.  We are ALL so interesting!  And we can all be whatever we want to be -- sexy, fun, alluring, attractive -- whatever our spirits want to express through our bodies.  Every body is unique -- and we all have unique ways of moving, feeling, expressing ourselves.  We are fascinating!  YOU are fascinating!  So, celebrate yourself today!  Love your body today!  You don't need to change a thing -- just be fully in your body, fully present, and live your happiest dreams right NOW!  And, if you happen to have a lover who thinks you are awesome, believe her/him!  You are!  S/he is seeing in you what you need to be seeing in yourself -- your absolute beauty and gorgeousness, the magic and miracle that is YOU!  Enjoy yourself and each other!  Today!

      About 20 years ago now, I got totally overwhelmed in my life ... and my life has been limited in countless ways since then because of my inability to shake that off.  At the time, I was opening my own business (a health food store), working too hard getting that set up while I was pregnant.  I was raising three teenage stepchildren, cooking and cleaning with virtually no help from anyone.  I hadn't yet learned a thing about boundaries -- I never spoke up for myself or asked anyone to do anything.  Up until that point, I'd been very adventurous and self-sufficient.  I had lived in Spain and traveled in Europe and Greece, I drove from Michigan to Florida and back several times by myself, there was just about nothing that I was afraid of or thought I couldn't do on my own.  But then I got in over my head.  I went into premature labor and my baby lived only ten hours.  I was completely devastated and didn't even begin to recover until I got pregnant again, over a year later.

     When my daughter was born, I was still busy running my business, raising three teenagers, now taking care of my baby.  When she was two, I added massage school to the mix.  I really don't know how I did it all.  I very rarely had time for myself -- and it seems to me, looking back, this was when I started what I think of now as a slow soul death.  Everything seemed like a burden.  Too hard.  Too much.  I started surviving instead of living -- making as few commitments with my nearly non-existent time as I could.  Life became smaller inside of me.  My life force dwindled.  Where I had been fearless, I now was fearful.  Where I had been adventurous, I now avoided anything that took me out of my increasingly smaller comfort zone.  It's not like I got agorophobia or anything -- but inside, the flame that had burned bright turned down to a flicker.  I just did what I had to do.

     When I moved back to Michigan with my daughter to re-create my life (our lives) 12 years ago, I didn't leave the feelings of overwhelm behind.  I brought them with me.  I didn't want to make any time commitments at all.  I wanted to be free!  I didn't want to take a job where I would have to be anywhere during certain hours.  I worked as a massage therapist and set my own hours.  It was a huge deal for me to make the commitment to be a coach.  Another huge commitment to go to energy healing school.  In fact, I've done quite a few things that pushed my comfort zone -- so, I'm sort of proud of myself for that.  But I could always feel that inner resistance -- that feeling of "overwhelm" lurking right beneath the surface.  I only did things I really wanted to do (which is not a bad thing at all!).  

     I used to play in some tennis leagues (hoping to get back to that soon) ... and now I've been playing in three golf leagues and subbing in another.  Which, really, is pretty impressive for me.  Last week, I did something a little bit extravagant -- and something that makes me feel just elated.  I joined the fitness club at the Detroit MGM Casino/Hotel.  It is beautiful -- fantastic!  I can't even tell you how much I love it there.  It costs about twice as much as my old gym (where I rarely went once I hurt myself) -- but it has the most gorgeous indoor pool, a big, wonderful jacuzzi in the ladies' locker room, as well as a steam room -- and the best exercise machines I've ever had the pleasure of working out on.  And during the week (when my membership is good for) it is almost always nearly empty.  

     What makes me feel like I'm finally coming back to life and breaking out of my old patterns ... is that I made a 3 year commitment to this gym.  Because I love it -- and I want to be able to enjoy it and make that commitment to myself.  Three years is the maximum extension of the contract.  When my contract ended with my old gym, I swore I would never join a gym again -- waste of money.  I am thrilled that I am enthused enough to have released that limiting attitude.  There is no inner resistance at all -- for the first time in a long time, I can say that I don't have any doubts or worries about my decision.  No mixed feelings.  I am also happy that I am willing to make the time and effort to drive the 20 minutes to get down there.  I mean, that's not much of a commute -- but it is an effort that I would have avoided up until very recently.  I love that I am becoming willing again to make the effort to live the life that I want to live.  Because for a long time, if it didn't come easy, it wasn't for me.  I'm not in that space anymore.  I have some energy back.  My flame is growing.  

     I'm trying to find my way back -- and ahead -- to that person I was who had no fear.  I remember being 19 and heading off for Spain -- and I was all excitement.  People would ask me, "aren't you nervous?" about traveling or different things I was doing -- and it wouldn't really register for me -- I mean, what was there to be nervous about ... LIVING?!  Everything was a cool adventure.  I wasn't afraid of making mistakes.  I wasn't worried that any misstep could ruin my entire future.  I just wanted LIFE!  I wanted to experience so many different things!  I wasn't reckless or careless -- but I was carefree in a way that I see now as a massive Trust in the Universe -- and I want to get back to that place and go forward with that soul freedom.  

     I feel like I made a step toward that this week.  Instead of worrying about everything that could go wrong (the casino could close, I could move to another state, I could get hurt again and not be able to use it, I could not be able to afford it, blah, blah, blah) -- I decided to TRUST that everything would be alright.  That I could make a 3 year commitment knowing that I would make it wonderful -- and trusting LIFE to bring only good.  It's worth the gamble!  It's worth believing in the good!   I went twice last week.  I had a great time!  It was difficult for me to make myself get out of the pool to go home because I love the feel of the water, of being in water, so much.  It is feeding my soul -- I am coming back to life!  Driving home, I realized that I felt more alive than I can remember feeling in a long, long time.  The colors seemed more vibrant, I felt more alert, competent, and peaceful.  

     Just a year ago, I would have found a bunch of excuses not to do this.  I would have said it's too far.  The roads are dangerous.  It's safer and less expensive to stay home and work out.  It takes too much time.  I won't want to do the drive.  On and on.  Now, I'm saying, THIS FEEDS MY SOUL -- and nothing is going to stop me!  :))  

      This summer, I have been practicing awareness.  I am learning to follow my heart, to listen to my body, and to take care of my needs and desires in a way that I never have before.  I am thinking about what I REALLY WANT to do in my life.  In whatever time I have left, what are the things that are deeply meaningful to me?  What do I want to fill my days with?  What makes me feel joy and gratitude for being alive?  I am releasing the feelings of "overwhelm", of "obligation", of "stuckness" -- and letting myself be free to be ALL of me.  Care to join me?  :))

      I have several recurring themes in my life.  Today, I'd like to talk about three of them -- they seem to go together, and are all indeed in my face right now.  

     The first, which I'll just mention briefly, is the theme of boundaries -- specifically, my lack of boundaries.  This has been an issue my whole life -- and while I've improved immensely, I still have a long ways to go.  I must give myself a pat on the back, however, because I have held my boundaries firm on at least three occasions in the past week, where I would surely have caved before.  I'm proud of myself for holding my own line -- and for doing what I needed, in these instances, to protect myself, my well-being, and my life.  I'm really happy about that!  It is a great feeling to know that I didn't sell myself out for the cost of not disappointing someone else.

     Another theme which has been dominant in my life is the feeling that I somehow have to justify my existence.  It is not enough that I exist -- in some way, I feel I must earn the right to be here.  I must do enough, be enough, please enough -- that my existence is approved.  This is NOT a theme that I want or embrace -- just an underlying current that I've always been aware of.  It has, of course, led to lots of people-pleasing behavior, selling myself out, doing/giving more than my fair share, being more than generous (often, getting used), and has been a contributing factor in my lack of boundaries, among other life-draining things.  

     This was tossed in my face the other day when my daughter made the following angry accusation:  "All you ever do is play golf and blog!  You don't do anything else!  You don't work or anything -- just golf and blog!"  Well, you can see how little I've blogged this summer -- and actually, there are a LOT of other things that I do.  I do work, both inside and outside of the home.  I have a job that I find distressing, but I can't leave because my client is 87 and depends on me -- and I just can't leave her.  My daughter claims it's my "choice" when I mention to her what a hard day I had at work last Friday -- I'm not even going to go into it here -- suffice it to say that my client, who can barely walk, was extremely ill -- and I had to do a lot of clean-up.  As I explained to my daughter, I'm a massage therapist -- I didn't choose care-giving, I fell into it.  And even though I really hate it, I feel like I have a responsibility to my client/friend -- and so it's not exactly something I chose, but that happened and I'm dealing with it the best I can.

     However, the point I'd like to make here is this:  even if all I did was golf and blog, so what?  It's my life, isn't it?  I should be able to spend my time, my energy, my money, my life however I like.  What she was really saying was, "why don't you have a real job so that you make enough money to buy me a car like the rest of my friends?"  Hmmmn.  Well, because I don't want to?  Because I think it is a huge mistake to give a teenager a car.  And because I have other things that I want to be doing with my time -- and other priorities in my life.  If all I do is watch clouds float by, that is my choice -- and my life still has significance to me.  I don't feel like I have to justify my life anymore.  The pull is still there a little -- the arrows get tossed in my direction -- but, as with boundaries, I feel like I am getting somewhere on that learning curve in my life.  Other lessons to come, of course -- but I've made a lot of progress in this area.

     The final theme for today is one of being unappreciated.  My daughter's comment is one good example.  Apparently she believes that we have house elves who bring groceries in, prepare food, and clean the kitchen -- and clean up everywhere else after her, as she is notorious for being messy and not putting things away.  I get no credit for buying her favorite foods, taking her shopping, loaning her my car or driving her where she needs to go.  She'll be grateful on occasion in the moment -- but I'm usually only good as my latest moment -- and that usually means I'm disappointing her.  It is a lifelong theme for me of where instead of seeing all that I do, people have seen all that I didn't do that they wanted me to do.  Frustrating, to say the least.  

     Back when I was taking care of my Mom, my siblings were very critical of me.  They had NO IDEA of all that I was doing -- and how worn down I was getting.  They didn't care.  Even my Mom would complain about my not keeping the house clean enough -- which was absurd because I was cleaning something almost all of the time -- and the house seemed messy because she had SO much stuff!  I spent hours a day doing laundry, cleaning the kitchen, preparing her food.  It was insane that anyone would even hint that I wasn't doing "enough" -- my husband, who saw all I was doing, would get infuriated on my behalf.  

     I'm not sure what to do about this last theme, actually.  I dislike being taken for granted.  It becomes tempting to stop doing anything for people who don't appreciate or even notice it.  Maybe I just need to start announcing out loud all of the things that I've done that day.  Or start making notes or signs -- these are the things that you might appreciate that I did for you today: (and then list them).  Seems like a lot of work just to get someone to notice that I've done something that benefitted them.  And besides, one can point out the obvious -- but still not get another to see it.  I suppose that I'll just have to keep doing what feels like the right things to me -- and other people will think what they think, notice what they notice, and appreciate (or not) what they appreciate (or not).  Not feeling the need to justify my existence or explain myself, I don't need to worry that anyone thinks that I'm a failure or inadequate or don't do enough.  Who cares what anyone else thinks?  I don't need to have my life criticized just because someone would like me to be different than I am -- or to do more for them.  What the hell is THAT, anyway?!?

     Well, as my boundaries get better, and my feeling of needing to justify my life somehow lessens ... perhaps I'll get to the point where I don't do things for people who don't appreciate them -- or I demand recognition for what I do.  Or maybe I just won't care.  After all, life is short and we don't need to sweat the silly stuff.  And it is all mostly silly stuff, after all -- even if it feels important now.

      I just want to take a moment to offer a salute to the profession of which I have been a member since 1994.  I've been on a little hiatus for the past 2-3 years due to injuries, just doing the minimum I need to in order to keep my certification.  The more I heal and the better I feel, the more tempted I am to go back into this truly very healing profession.

     A year ago, I could not walk without a limp or without pain.  I had torqued my pelvis so badly by lifting my Mom several times daily -- that my body was literally twisted -- and I couldn't remember how to walk "normally".   I've been having regular bodywork done -- and it has been amazing to watch as my body has found its way back.  I couldn't remember how to walk normally, but my body started remembering.

     Today on the golf course, I noticed a freedom of movement that I haven't felt in such a long time.  I almost felt like I could run!  I was definitely having some moments where I almost felt like I was strutting.  The motion of walking felt so great!  And no pain!  The feel of being so solidly in my body and in my legs -- the strength and balance of my legs and other muscles working so perfectly together -- what a huge gift!  What an incredible blessing!   And these moments were most definitely brought to me by massage and bodywork.

     For me, who has always been an athlete and treasured being able to move with freedom and (some) grace, and play sports -- this reclaiming of my body is a huge difference in my quality of life.  I still have a ways to go.  I believe that by this time next year, I'll be able to run ... and get myself back out on the tennis court where I love to be.  I have dreams (literally) of watching the ball into my racquet as I punch out the perfect volley.  

     Massage isn't just about the muscles being aligned and working properly in balance.  Massage affects the immune system, the lymph system, the energetic system.  Everything.  It most definitely isn't a luxury.  It is one of the most healing practices on earth.  So many diseases are caused by stress -- which puts strain on so many systems of the body.  When the tension is relieved, the body can heal itself.  It's got me thinking that any good health care program should have massage as an integral part of preventative -- and healing/re-covering -- care.  

     I'm just back from the NAAFA and ASDAH conventions in Washington, D.C. -- which were wonderful -- and I will probably post about them in more detail sometime soon (well, maybe -- I seem to have good intentions about a lot of things ... but end up golfing or just watching the clouds float by -- oh how I love summer!).   Anyhoo ...

     What I want to write about right NOW is that Abundia is coming!  The deadline for early registration is August 17th.  What is Abundia? you ask?  Please check it out at www.abundia.org.  In short, it is a weekend gathering for fat women.  But words can't even begin to tell you how fun and inspiring and uplifting this weekend is!  One must experience this great community of beautiful, talented, funny, illuminating, warm, supportive women for oneself.  It is a different vibe and a different space than NAAFA or ASDAH (which both have their own wonderful vibes and experiences and people). 

     Abundia is held each year just outside of Chicago.  This year, it will be October 23rd to 25th.  If you can make it, see you there! 

Two of the girls in my daughter's class have lost their Moms to suicide this month. 

What the FUCK!?!  I don't get it.  I can't imagine how a mother could do that to her child.  Clearly, mental illness, depression, pain that I can't understand -- but there has to be SOME part of your brain that would say, "GET HELP!  You can't do this to your kid!"  Isn't there!?! 

My biggest fear since my daughter was born has been that something would happen to me and I wouldn't be around for her, to raise her, to love her, to protect her and to provide her with security and loving arms.  How can they voluntarily take that away from their children!?!  I am TOTALLY FREAKING OUT HERE!

How heartbreaking for these little girls.  These 17 year old little girls just like my little girl who are going into their senior year of high school.  Their Moms aren't going to be there for them!  It is too, too cruel!  And it's not like there's anything that anyone can do to heal that pain.  I feel so, so sad for them.  I want to do something so badly, but what?  They don't even know me.  I haven't seen them since middle school.

How are we failing each other so much that some of us are taking our own lives and leaving behind motherless children?

     There are people who ask, "well, why do they have to 'come out'?"  "Why do they have to talk about it?"  "Why can't they just keep that stuff private?"  (Yes, there are people who ask these questions, often angrily, more often as though they are preaching rather than hoping for an answer.  I've heard them many times.  They sit back in their privilege and their righteous indignation and haughtily judge everyone who isn't like them.  They act like they are the voice of reason as they spew their venom.  I'm related to some of them, although we don't talk to each other anymore).

     I'd like to just give a brief answer here.  One (among many) reason(s) that people feel the need to come out is to counter the default assumptions that people make in this society.  We feel that it is important to not be confined to the box of societal expectations and demands.  We feel that it is important to say, "That's not me, this is me.  This is who I am, a unique individual.  There needs to be space for me too."  

     The default assumptions of gender and sexual orientation and relationship choices (among many others) can be like a prison to the soul.   We all want to be loved and accepted as we are.  When the default assumptions are not what we are, we feel the need to be seen, heard, and loved for who we really are.  Not by everyone necessarily -- but definitely by those close to us, whose feelings about us matter to us (and, in general, to be seen and known for who we are rather than be mislabeled or misunderstood by incorrect assumptions being made about us).  This is part of intimacy ("into-me-you-see", as Stan Dale defined it).  This is part of identity and how we claim ourselves and our power and our place in the world.  So, we do need to talk about it.  We do need to say, "You don't know me by looking at me.  You can't guess who I am.  You must ask me, you must discover me, and if you'll be open-hearted and open-minded with me, I'll let you in."  Oh, and in less supportive situations it would be, "Whether you like it or not, approve of it or not, this is who I am.  I have every right to exist and to be myself."

     Another reason that we need to come out is to make it safe for other people who might not have the strength and/or support that we have.  We need to create space for everyone -- for all of the other people who don't fit into the default assumptions and societal expectations.  We need to give inspiration to children and adults who are different.  We want to reach out and say, "You matter.  You are worthy and loveable just as you are.  Be yourself -- it's okay." 

     For some, there is probably the desire to fight back, the desire to say, "You can't hold me down or tell me who to be."  A willingness to fight against tyranny and cruelty and bigotry.  For some, there's a desire to shut people up and stop the speculation.  For some, there's the need to express who they are as a unique individual.  There are infinite reasons for coming out -- whether to express gender identity or sexual orientation or sexualities that may be outside the "norm" or a million different reasons.   I think the bottom line is that people need to come out because we need to live in the light.  We need to live openly and without hiding.  We need to respect ourselves and our choices -- and we do that by owning who we are.  Everyone probably has something that they could come out with.  Any spaces in us where there is any hiding, any withholding, any fear or desire or longing.  We could all simply come out as human -- and let ourselves shine.

            This week on the radio, I heard Gene Simmons say that Adam Lambert’s career will probably be over before it even starts because of his admission that he is gay. Which is total crap. Who cares what Adam’s sexual orientation is? I love and adore that boy – and any sexuality that he wants to be! I also want to see a world in which sexual orientation does not limit the possibilities of anything that anyone could choose or strive to be, whether a rock star or President of the United States or a professional athlete or a teacher or anything else one can imagine. 

 

            There was also an announcement that Chastity Bono is officially coming out as a man, Chaz Bono. I remember when Chastity came out as gay many years ago – and that was kind of revolutionary back then. And I suppose it is kind of revolutionary today that he is coming out as a man. But I can’t figure out why it is revolutionary. Why don’t we all feel absolutely free and easy to be who we are? I know we don’t – and that what Chaz is doing publicly is a very courageous act. I just don’t think it should be – I don’t think that we should have to be brave and gutsy to simply BE, to exist, to take up space in the world. Why isn’t it safe for all of us to just be whoever we are?

 

            Why are we taught that there are only two genders and that you are one or the other, corresponding with the genitalia with which you are born? Why are we taught that there is only one acceptable sexual orientation (heterosexual) and only one acceptable relationship structure (marriage/monogamy)? These are untrue, harmful and hateful belief systems that make the world an unwelcoming and often unsafe place for millions and millions of people.

 

            I believe that we all have masculine and feminine impulses within each of us. Some of us lean more to one side or the other, but we are all a mix. There is no actual “female” or “male” as an exclusive gender. You cannot tell a person’s fixed gender by their genitalia. There is no actual fixed gender – we are all flowing, fluid beings who are different things at different times. My masculine and feminine are flowing through me all of the time – and they manifest in different ways at different times. The same is true for everyone. The assignments that we’ve made about what are “masculine” and what are “feminine” qualities are socially constructed – and really only describe human characteristics. The binary system of gender is restricting, harmful, and ultimately meaningless – and it’s so difficult to even talk about because our vocabulary is biased.

 

            Why do people place such importance on gender? What does it matter to anyone if that person is “male” or “female”? Why does it bother anyone if they can’t tell? Why are people busy trying to figure it out? And especially, why on earth would it make anyone angry that someone is not the gender that corresponds with their genitalia? It just doesn’t make sense to me. I mean, if you believe in reincarnation (as I do), then you must believe that we switch genders from lifetime to lifetime. That’s because the soul is genderless. And, you have to look around and realize that there are a lot of people who don’t fit their gender role. That’s because gender is essentially a false concept. At least, that’s my opinion of it. It is a man-made concept that is a jail to the soul.

 

            There are more genders than you can imagine. And I say that we celebrate, accept, and appreciate them all! When a baby is born with both male and female genitalia, I think that they should be accepted and loved exactly as they are! Don’t try to make them into one gender by doing a reassignment surgery! Let them choose who they want to be when they are old enough to make that decision.  Maybe they want to be both! That would be my choice! How cool!  In fact, let’s not try to make anybody into one gender or the other, ever. Not physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or in any other way. Let us all be human – and let us play with our gender identity however we like, each of us being uniquely individual and human.

 

The same thing is true of sexual orientation. People don’t have a fixed sexual orientation. We are attracted to different people, attracted by different qualities and characteristics. The range of what attracts us is unlimited. Many people feel desire and attraction to a wide variety of different genders and physical attributes of people.  To make it easier to talk about, I will talk briefly about attraction to male and/or female. Please keep in mind that this is a loose labeling of gender and that I don’t think that anyone is strictly male or female. We just need to think of a better vocabulary, a better way of describing people and relationships and gender than what we’re used to – a vocabulary that embraces both/and rather than either/or. Because we are both masculine and feminine, NOT either masculine or feminine.

 

            So, many of us are attracted to masculine and feminine. Some of us are more attracted to one or the other. Some people are only attracted to one. Some of this is because of social conditioning and some of this is innate. But why would anyone else care about whom we find attractive? Why does anyone feel disgusted, enraged, or repulsed by the fact that one person finds another attractive and wants to love them, and/or marry them, and/or have sex with them? Particularly to the point where they would be violent against them or pass legislation that prevents them from having the same basic human rights as anyone else?   Why does a man loving another man bother anybody at all? Or a woman loving another woman? Or a person loving both men and women? Why does someone with a penis dressing like/being a woman bother anyone? Or someone with a vagina dressing like/being a man? What is the problem there? It’s just a human being living their life! Not your life! THEIR LIFE!

 

            We should ALL be free to live our own lives!  We should also be free to create our relationships in whatever consensual ways we’d like to. There are so many more choices than monogamy and marriage for relationships! There are also so many different ways to be sexual and to explore our sexuality. As long as we are honest and open with our partners – and everything is consensual – then anything goes. The freedom to enjoy our bodies, to take care of our bodies, and to choose whatever sorts of relationships we want to have and experiences we want to have – that freedom is our basic human right – for ALL of us, whatever gender/combination we may be, whatever sexual orientation(s) we may have, and whatever relationships and experiences we may choose in our lives.

           

 

     So, it's been a while since I've actually hung out regularly in the company of women (or anyone, come to think of it).  Those years that I was taking care of my Mom,  it was fairly rare that I got out for anything other than grocery shopping and errands.  I mostly worked, took care of Mom, and spent time at home with my daughter and husband.  We almost never went out.  I have one friend that I would bike with in good weather, and that's about it.  Now, I'm meeting all kinds of people and loving it.  Life has sort of exploded with new friends for me and the ability to spend time and hang out with different people.  I'm loving it.

     What I'm NOT loving so much is that I've noticed at the golf club, after playing in my Thursday league and then having lunch with the ladies for the past several weeks, is that EVERY time we sit down to lunch, in a group of about 30 women (sitting at various tables), there is always somebody talking about weight.  It's either talking about calories or Weight Watchers or how they've gained weight or how they need to lose weight.  And I am just dumbfounded by this phenomena.  WTF?  Or, as my new favorite saying goes, fuck the what?!  (Thanks, Kate Harding!  :))  ).

     I mean, if you're going to talk about anything every time you sit down in a group, it should at least be something fun ... like sex, for example.  But weight?  Weight loss?  Dieting?  How fucking boring and obnoxious, really, is that?  Last week, a woman who seriously looks anorexic sat down next to me.   As she looks at the menu, she says how she and her husband gained a lot of weight over the winter in Arizona, so they've both been dieting since they got home a few weeks ago.  She's going to be "good" because she's just got one pound left to go.  Seriously?  She's saying that to me?  I weigh about 250 pounds and she weighs maybe 98 pounds soaking wet.  She's (to me) a really unattractively skinny size (I don't mean to imply here at all that skinny is unattractive or unacceptable -- all sizes are beautiful and acceptable -- but there's a difference, for me, between someone who is naturally skinny and someone who is trying so hard to be skinny and just looks like they're starving) -- she looks so unhealthy, like she could simply disappear any second, her arms look like there's barely any flesh covering her bones -- and what she chooses to say to ME is that she's trying to lose weight -- and giving a moral value to food as the kicker?  Wow.  And it's not that I dislike her ... it's just, wow.  I ignored her comments, actually, rather than confronting her about them -- because I thought it was pretty clear that everyone at the table thought she was pathetic -- and I just felt sorry for her.

     Today, I was in the pro shop with the woman I was playing golf with before we teed off.  She was talking to another woman and saying that she wanted to get this one outfit, but not until she'd lost 10 pounds.  I was like, "Oh no, you don't!  You buy that outfit now in the size you are now and don't you dare wait to live your life.  You live it NOW and love yourself NOW!"  The other woman who she'd been talking to agreed with me and said, "You know, my good friend died of cancer a few years back, and one of the things she said to me at the end of her life was that she was really angry at all of the desserts that she had missed."  I said, "Yes!  All of the desserts, all of the outfits she didn't buy, all of the adventures she didn't have, all of the swimming she didn't do, all of the LIFE she missed!  You gotta treasure each day."  In agreement, we all walked out.

     Which makes it so surprising that the woman I was playing with mentioned in conversation during our round several times (she's a non-stop talker and talks about everything, which normally I would find really irritating, but it was actually kind of fun) certain foods as being "fattening" and things in that vein (like how when she ate the club's mushroom soup, she could feel it going to her thighs, etc. -- I know, *gag*, but aaccckk!, so many people think like that!).  And I would gently point out things like setpoint weight and parts of Health at Every Size.  I always said something that made weight a neutral thing and dieting/weight loss a negative thing.

     Which makes it even more surprising that at lunch, she talked about how when her daughter broke up with her fiance right before their wedding, her daughter was so upset and stressed out that even when her eating patterns remained the same, she lost a lot of weight.  I said, "I bet that it came back when she balanced out, right?"  And she said, "Yes, and I told her that it's too bad she couldn't just stay that stressed out all of the time."

     Can I just have a moment of silence here?


     Deep breath.  Okay, first of all, that poor young woman!  Her mother's obsession with weight is to the point where she doesn't even realize how deeply she is attacking the body of her daughter.  How is her daughter supposed to develop a healthy body image when she hears remarks like that?  How devastating for her!  Her own mother basically wishes her severe stress and grief so that she can be thin?!?  And this comment was made after I'd talked at some length about Health at Every Size and the Association for Size Diversity and Health -- and several different studies and weight bias -- and I'd made it really clear that valuing thinness was a false and harmful value and that celebrating weight diversity and all bodies was so important.  (Well ... I was provoked by weight loss talk -- it's not like I'm constantly on my soapbox!).  Yet, after being clear where I stood, she couldn't even put it together that what she was saying was offensive on so many levels!  I would think even the dullest crayon in the box could put that together?

     I wasn't even paying much attention to the other end of the table, where these average/thin-sized women were talking about dieting strategies and other bullshit.  So, anyway.  It's a good, friendly group of women.  I enjoy playing golf.  I enjoy going to lunch.  I just don't enjoy the insanity of weight obsession.  I've talked about the book of which I'm a co-author (Fat Poets Speak, Voices of the Fat Poets' Society).  I've talked about HAES and ASDAH.  I've talked about set point and weight diversity and accepting oneself at whatever size your body happens to be.  I'm a proud and out fat person.  And I have not seemed to make one dent in the level of insanity or diet talk that goes on.  It's somewhat discouraging on one hand, but on the other hand, their insanity isn't having any effect at all on my body image, so that's good.  In fact, it makes it clearer and clearer to me how insane it really is -- how LIFE-STEALING it really is. 

     I'm also learning that I am becoming much better at living a "both/and" life as opposed to an "either/or" life, which is one of my main goals.  I'm not feeling alienated from these women.  I'm not taking a "my way or the highway" attitude.  I don't relate at all to their body image and weight obsession stuff, but I'm not feeling like I dislike anyone or have to defend myself against them or reject them as friends.  I DO like these women.  I can hang out with them and have fun.  I just wish that we were talking about things that you'd think you'd talk about at the golf club ... like GOLF!  Or movies ... or anything other than weight!  Given my choice, I will definitely sit with and play with women who don't talk about or worry about weight.  I prefer to be with people who are weight neutral and living LIFE.  But, I can hang with anyone.  Oh well, I'm bringing some sanity to the golf club.  Maybe it will be catching some day.

    This is a difficult topic for me to talk about.  It's a very complex issue --and I'm warning you right now that I'm not going to be coming to a neat conclusion.  This is a frustrating topic for me to talk about too -- but I think it's necessary, so here we go.

     Somewhere in our collective psyche, we've gotten this crazy idea that everyone is supposed to agree with us all of the time and approve of everything that we think, feel, say or do.  And when they don't -- when (heaven forbid!) someone disagrees with us or disapproves of us (or something we are saying or doing) or criticizes us in any way -- the result is often that we feel invalidated, hurt, betrayed, what-have-you.  (This goes along with the crazy idea that we are supposed to be perfect, not make mistakes, etc.).

     It's bad enough when the person disagreeing, disapproving, or criticizing is a stranger or someone who we don't know very well or care about very much.  But what about when the person is someone that we are close to, that we love and care about -- and care about their opinions of us?  It can be devastating!

     This is insane, wrong, harmful, and annoying on too many levels to count.  How did we get to this point?  And how can we get to where we aren't so dependent on -- or reactive to -- the opinions of others?  How can we realize that when someone disagrees with us, they simply have a different opinion about something -- it has nothing to do with our worth as a human being?  How did it ever become a situation where we could feel invalidated just because someone didn't agree with us or approve of everything about us?  And yet, conversely, whoever said that anyone had a right to have an opinion about us or our lives either?  Why are we so much in each other's business? 

     I've often seen this unspoken dynamic where if someone says something, then everyone else feels like they have to hold their differing opinion back -- particularly if it disagreed or was critical of the first opinion offered.  It was like the first person to state something had control over the topic and nobody was allowed to challenge it.  So, for example, someone (Person A) says they really liked a certain movie.  They are excited and happy about this movie and want to tell everyone to go see it.  Someone else (Person B) saw the movie too -- and hated it.  They could point out a dozen different things about this movie that made it horrible.  Only now, if Person A has just gushed about how much they loved it and how it touched them, Person B might feel hesitant to tell the truth about how they felt about the movie.  If they do go ahead and speak their truth, Person A might feel criticized and invalidated.  Or maybe this only happens in the crazy world where I grew up.  But I've seen this sort of dynamic happen thousands of times.

     Another example:  Two people belong to a professional organization.  Person A writes a book.  Person B criticizes parts of the book and praises other parts of the book.   Person A only notes the criticisms and feels like their work has been invalidated.  They take it personally.  Now Person A and Person B feel like enemies even though they are very much on the same side.  They just disagree about a few things.  Can this relationship be saved?

     So, what can we do?  How can we create space for everyone to express their own truth without anyone feeling invalidated?  How can we disagree with someone -- and express our disagreement in such a way that does not feel alienating?  How can we all take responsibility for our own feelings and not allow ourselves to feel criticized, invalidated or alienated?  

     I used to have the funniest arguments with my Mom.  She would get totally pissed that I disagreed with her about something.  It was not acceptable to her that I saw things from a different perspective.  She felt like my disagreement with her invalidated her.  There was this obstinate thought in her that if I loved her, I should agree with her and see things her way.  I would try to calmly explain that while I valued her thoughts, I had my own thoughts on different subjects -- and that there had to be room for both of us to have our own, different thoughts and feelings on things.  If she thought that my having my own, different opinion invalidated her -- how was I supposed to feel about not having the "right" to have my own opinion?  

     This is not at all unusual.  I see this kind of dynamic in relationships (all kinds of relationships, personal and professional) all of the time.  "If you loved (respected, honored, cared about, etc.) me, you would agree with (celebrate, praise, approve of) me and all that I say and do."  I think of this as sort of a mass insanity.  Many of us suffer from this syndrome.

     I'm trying to figure out how I can disagree with someone without hurting the relationship or making the other person feel "wrong" or "inappropriate" or "invalidated", etc.  How can I say, "I don't like this dynamic and I would like to change it" without hurting someone's feelings?  How can I express the ways in which I am different, I think differently, I feel differently -- without making it sound like I think that I'm right and the other person is wrong?  And without making them feel invalidated by my failure to praise their every word, thought, and gesture?  

     I value honesty and authenticity enormously.  Perhaps above all (most?) things.  So, how can I hold that value of honesty and authenticity -- and yet not cause feelings of invalidation and alienation in people who have different (opposing) views from myself?  

     In some cases, I'm not even sure it's possible.  Some people are so extreme -- and even hateful -- in their views that it is not possible to find common ground with them.  But what about people who are close to us?  Can we find common ground even when we disagree?  Can we express love, affection, and compassion -- and allow others to feel valued and treasured -- even as we disagree with them in certain areas?  Can we, ourselves, avoid feeling devalued or invalidated by someone's disagreement or disapproval of us or some aspect of us?  I'm asking because I don't know the answers.

     Part of the problem is that we stick our noses in where we don't belong -- and have opinions about things that are absolutely none of our business.  We've been taught to do this -- and to think of other people's business as our own, which it isn't.  To give an example:  say there is a person who is gay.  The reality is that it is nobody else's business who anybody else loves or has a sexual relationship with -- that is between that person and her/his lover(s).  But lots of people have strong opinions about this.  So strong that they are passing laws to deny gay people the basic human right of being able to marry the person that they love.  

     Okay, so we have this gay person.  We'll make this example a female.  She comes from a very loving and supportive family.  Except when they find out that she is gay.  They refuse to accept this truth about her.  They say they love her still, but she isn't welcome to bring her girlfriend to family functions, etc.  They are clearly disappointed with her sexual orientation.  (Personally, I find this scenario absolutely ridiculous.  I can't see why anyone would care what anyone else's sexual orientation is -- but I know this is the reality for a lot of people).  So, the gay woman feels invalidated by her family.  She doesn't feel fully accepted and embraced for the reality of who she is.  Her family feels betrayed and disappointed that their child/sister is gay -- and they feel invalidated by her choice to be different from them.  Which, if you ask me, is a total crock -- because this is about her life -- and her family should simply love and accept her as she is.  But how often, really, do other people (families, friends, strangers!) not have an opinion about how/who we "should" be?  And reject us in some way when we do not meet their expectations?

     There are millions of other examples.  I don't think anyone has to look very far into their life to find a few.  The example I gave was pretty clear-cut (to me -- other people see it differently).  There are lots of examples where things aren't so clear-cut -- where people on both sides actually have legitimate concerns.  

     I guess what I'm really trying to figure out is how to live a "both/and" life in an "either/or" world.  And I'm also trying to figure out how to disagree with people without offending them. 

     
     

    

     I just have a minute because I need to go get dinner started.  But I wanted to write that I'm okay -- the "Bad Mom Day" passed in a couple of days.  I was out at the cemetery today -- because it was on my way home from an appointment and I felt drawn there.  Not that I think that either of my parents are actually there or that I need to go there to have a connection with them.  It just seemed like what I needed to do today.

     As I stood by the quiet gravesides on a beautiful, sunny day with the bright blue sky and a cool breeze blowing, I felt very peaceful and glad to be alive.  My paternal grandparents are buried there too -- so I was sort of looking at my family history.  This was the line of people I came from.  This is my history.  I told my parents, "I don't know why I'm here."  Then I said, "I don't know why you're here either.  You could both have chosen to live much longer lives and still be living happily right now."  But that isn't their story.  That wasn't what was meant to be.  They've gone on to another life.   And my beautiful life here continues.

     I've just had two of the most wonderful, transformative weeks of my life.  I'll be writing about that in the near future.  Right now, I am still processing.  But one of the things I realize is that, at least in part, grief is a choice.  When I feel deep grief, part of that is because I have a resistance to what IS.  When I have a resistance to my Mom being on the Other Side -- well, that doesn't serve either one of us.  I enjoyed her fully while she was here.  I will always love her.  I have happy memories of her.  And I need to live my life TODAY.  In this very moment.  Today, I have people that I love and adore in my life.  Today, I have experiences that are wonderful and joyful and happy.  My focus needs to be on today, on this present moment.  I need to be living NOW.  Loving NOW.  That's all there really is.  This moment.   I don't want to miss a minute of it.

    

     It's probably not what you think.  Not what it looks like at first glance, anyway.  My friend Maureen and I both lost our Moms in 2008.  We both had wonderful Moms.  When one of us is having a "bad Mom day", we know exactly what it means.

     Something like this:  can't stop crying.  Can't stop the aching longing for our Mom.  The memories pull to us and the grief comes in waves.

     I haven't had a "bad Mom day" in months.  I had them every day for almost a year.  And then, it just seemed like life moved on -- and I remembered Mom in a more happy, easy way.  Thinking of her made me smile.  I'd tear up once in a while (often, but not even daily anymore), sure -- but no more sobbing hysterically, no more feeling like vomiting from crying so much, no more weight of grief pressing uncomfortably and noticeably on my diaphragm, heavy on my chest.

     And then, all of a sudden, it's back.  Today, I can't stop thinking about Mom ... and I can't stop crying.  Not gentle tears ... but the kind that make me catch my breath and bend over double and give me a headache.  A fist to the chest.  Again.  I can't believe that I can't see her or hug her or hear her talking to me again.  Ever again.  Not in this lifetime.   I can't believe it!  Back into the denial stage of grief ... again?  Is that where I am?  I WANT my MOM!!!  I want to hold her hand.  I want her to be alive and healthy.  I want her to smile at me.  I want to make her laugh!  And all I can do is sit here crying, trying to breathe around the giant lump in my throat. 

     I just want to say briefly what FAT PRIDE means to me.  Someone asked recently why would anyone be proud of being fat?  Well, true.  There is no reason to be proud of being any size (fat, thin, average, tall, short, etc.).  But, lots of people are clearly proud of being thin.  And lots of people seem to think that fat people should be ashamed of being fat.  FAT PRIDE is simply saying, for me, that I refuse to be ashamed of my body or to accept shame as a fat person.  I do NOT acknowledge any size as being better than another.  ALL people have equal value.  FAT PRIDE is declaring my world to be a weight-neutral zone, a safe space for all sizes of people.  That's what FAT PRIDE means to me.  I'd love to hear what FAT PRIDE means to you!

     Some of the feedback that I've gotten about my You Tube videos makes me think that I need to be more clear about the fact that I, personally, do value good nutrition and being active.  I am a strong proponent of HAES -- Health at Every Size.  For more information about HAES, please click here :http://www.sizediversityandhealth.org/ .  They do a really good job of summing up the scientifically-backed philosophies of HAES.  After you've read that, come back and finish reading this post.

     Okay, so you've had a little introduction to HAES.  I highly recommend that you buy Linda Bacon's book Health at Every Size: The Surprising Truth About Your Weight.  While you're at it, get Paul Campos' book The Obesity Myth (also called The Diet Myth).  And finally, Glenn Gaesser's book Big Fat Lies.  That's just a start.   I could go on and on ... there is a wealth of good information out there now to counter all of the propaganda of the diet, pharmaceutical, and medical industries who profit astronomically off of the fear of fat which they have created -- with the help of the media.  And if you haven't read FAT!SO?  Because You Don't Have to Apologize for Your Size by Marilyn Wann, then go read it NOW!  It is a MUST read!!!

     There is a difficult tightrope for me to walk here ... because any little misstep and I could be completely misunderstood and my message misconstrued and used to further the sort of prejudice that I am hoping to help eradicate.  Please bear with me as I try to address the appropriate points so that my message is clear.  And feel free to ask me to clarify further.  

     *I value my health and I do everything possible to take good care of myself, without driving myself insane or making myself miserable in the attempt.  I am very well-educated about nutrition.  I owned and managed my own health food store for 8 years.  I am well-versed in alternative health care.  I've been a massage therapist/bodyworker/energy healer for over a dozen years now.  I have also always been an athlete and continue to be an athlete -- and exercise has an important place in my life.   This is my reality and these are my choices -- it doesn't make me a "good" person or any better than anyone else in any way.

     *When I eat healthfully, as according to HAES principles, and I exercise regularly, my body remains fat.  This is due partly to genetics and partly to the fact that I dieted for over 20 years of my life.  I am NOT willing to change my healthy habits in an effort to make my body smaller than it naturally is.  I am ONLY willing to take good care of my body and do what I can to promote my optimal health at every level -- physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.  Weight loss efforts are damaging on all counts.

     *I am advocating that everyone should have easy access to good, weight-neutral information about healthy actions/habits and taking care of our bodies -- and that we should all be able to make our own informed, individual choices about our bodies and our health and our lives.  I am not advocating that people should/shouldn't do anything.  I am not advocating that anyone should do what I do -- and I am not advocating that anyone should eat a lot of non-nutritious food until they are overfull and/or that they shouldn't bother with exercise.  People need to do what makes them happy -- which, in my opinion, is the absolute healthiest habit of all.  

     *I have no issue with talking about healthful eating or fun activity (exercise) as long as it is done in a weight-neutral and non-moralistic way.  I do NOT believe that what we eat is a moral issue -- and I take offense to that sort of alienating and condescending orientation toward food.  Same thing with exercise.  Moving our bodies in fun ways is an entirely different matter than acting like exercise is the Holy Grail and we must adhere to our fitness program and the arrogance/moralism of that sort of attitude.

     *This is where it gets tricky.  It is all too easy to say that "this is the way to be healthy" and sort of demand that people follow the "rules".  Well, no.  Good health is not guaranteed for anyone.  Good health is also NOT a requirement for personal worth, value, credibility, etc.  If someone chooses to engage in unhealthy behaviors, that is their choice.  And, most times, you sure as heck can't tell by looking at a person what their habits are!  So many people look at fat people and make a lot of incorrect assumptions (ass out of you and me!) about our food intake and activity level.  WRONG!  WRONG!  WRONG!!!  This is not okay.

     *But what I also want to say is that even in the few cases where the assumptions are true -- even when a person is fat because they eat about two (or more) times as much as an average-eating person  (please note:  I did NOT say "average-size person", because you can't tell how much an "average-size person" eats -- that amount doesn't exist -- are you getting that point yet?  I said an average-eating person referring to the median amount of what many people of all sizes eat) -- the fact remains, that person is still as worthy and deserving of kindness, compassion and respect as any other person on earth.  If someone doesn't exercise at all.   If someone sits around smoking and/or drinking all day.  Whatever.  That is still a human being that doesn't deserve to be judged or mistreated. 

     *I mention this because there is an attitude going around that separates the "good" fatties (those who do HAES, for example) from the "bad" fatties (those who eat lots of non-nutritious foods and don't exercise).  And we don't need to be making those kinds of distinctions around fat people -- or non-fat people for that matter.  We all deserve our individual autonomy and choices of how to live our lives.  People slide way too easily into this phenomenon called healthism.  I'll write about that in a future post.  Bottom line:  our lifestyle choices don't need to be moralized.  Our state of health is not something to be made into a moral issue either.  Good health is a gift and a blessing -- we need to be grateful when we enjoy it and sympathetic toward ourselves and others when there are health issues.  Poor health is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of or judged by others.  We all have our paths and our challenges in this lifetime.  We all deserve compassion and respect. 

     For now, let me just make it clear that it is totally possible to be fat and to value and to practice healthy lifestyle habits.  It is also possible to be thin and to not practice healthy lifestyle habits at all.  And whether people practice healthy lifestyle habits or not -- their worth as human beings remains fully intact.  
    

     You might want to read the post before this (Why Are People Such Sheep?) for background, but I find this story to be deliciously ironic and funny all on it's own.

     So, I'm sitting in the lobby yesterday morning at church on a chair in front of the "water wall" -- it is really cool -- a big stone wall that water drips down (very soothing).  There is a woman sitting on the couch facing the wall and her 10 (or so) year old son is standing by the water wall, playing in the water.   She hasn't been in the service, but has heard parts of the talk from the coffee room.  She asks me if I'm going to the workshop that afternoon.  I say, yes -- but I'm more going to figure out what about this message bugs me than because I am buying it.

     Shocked, she asks me what I mean.  I say that I find it unrealistic that a person would find themselves with a gun in their belly, and what they would notice is the beautiful moon, and what they would think about the possibility of this person shooting them is, "I hope he doesn't do that to himself."  I just don't believe it.  There's something not right about that.

     So, the woman, who didn't hear Katie tell this story, and is basically talking out of her ass, says, "Oh, I could see where that could happen."  And she blathers on about that for a while, like she is so spiritually advanced that she would handle a gun on her in the same way.  And I'm like, "Really?  You think so?"

     While we've been talking, her son has been flitting around, and in an increasing effort to get her attention, he has started spraying her a little bit with water from his hands.  Not much.  Just tiny drops.  She's been giving him looks and cautioning him to stop it.  He does it again and she very angrily snaps at him to cut it out.  Then she turns to me and blahs on about how she would be able to remain calm if someone threatened her life.

     "Really?"  I say again.  "Because you just got angry at your son for splashing you with water and that isn't even remotely threatening your life."

    "What?"  she says, all innocence.  "I wasn't angry.  What made you think I was angry?"

     "Well, you sure looked angry and you kind of yelled as you swatted at him."

     "Oh no, I wasn't angry."  (Could she be more in denial?)  LOL

     So, he picks that time to splash her again, and she looks at me, extremely frustrated, and admits, "Okay, NOW I'm angry" as she grabs him by the wrist and forces him into the other chair, "because I TOLD him to stop and he's being rude and disrespectful!"

     "So being rude and disrespectful is a reason to get angry, but having your life threatened with a gun isn't?"

     Just then, their ride pulled up and they left.  And that is really the story of why people listen to Byron Katie and think that what she says makes sense.  In what world is getting a little splashed with water worse than having a gun put into your stomach?  The level of disconnect is shocking.  Enough said?
    

      Why are people such sheep?  Seriously?  Why do people listen to anything with completely non-critical attention?  Why do people just accept the slop that they are told -- and not have their own thoughts on it?  When someone is in front of an auditorium of people saying stuff that is not true -- why are people acting like they are hearing wisdom?

 

    Seriously!  I sat in a large auditorium yesterday with a bunch of people listening to Byron Katie -- who is apparently having such success around the world that her books and CDs are being translated into many different languages and millions of people are doing "the Work" -- and it sort of makes me frightened for the state of the world (not that there is much about the state of the world that isn't frightening).

 

    But, for example (and I stayed long enough to give you several examples before booking out of the insanity of that workshop):  Katie brought up the following concept:

 

    So, if you cut off your arm, and you think you are going to experience pain, then you feel pain and you go into panic.  But if you could just pause and ask yourself, "Is it true?" about the pain, you would find that it's the anticipation of the pain that is causing the pain, even if it's only a second ahead into the future.  If you could just keep asking yourself, "Is it true?", then you would be able to see that you don't have to suffer.

 

    Okay, you're probably thinking that I'm exaggerating and that she didn't really say that or I misunderstood.  No.  She really said it.  I really understood what she was getting at.  And I understated it, rather than exaggerating it.

 

    I sat there in my seat thinking that these people are acting like what she's saying is TRUE!  You know what?  Some things hurt!!!  I'm sure (absolutely, positively) that if someone cuts off their arm, it will hurt!  NOT because of the thought that it would hurt -- but because of the reality of that exact moment -- it hurts when skin is cut, bones are crushed, nerves are damaged.  Yes, there is an element of shock that diminishes some of the pain -- but it still hurts, for sure.  We are human beings!  We have pain receptors AND pleasure receptors!  Physically and emotionally!  Katie acts like if we could just get a grip on our thinking that we could be happy all of the time and never suffer, physically or emotionally.  Well ... bullshit!  That is just crazy bullshit. 

 

    There's a real irony here in that she asks you to question everything, "Is it true?  Can you know that it's true?", etc. -- but the thing is that the one thing that should be really questioned is: is this process true?  Is "the Work" true?  Because, NO, it isn't!  Denying your actual physical experience and emotional experience, denying your perceptions in favor of an emotional and mental lobotomy so that you can be happily disconnected from anything that might cause you discomfort or pain or any human emotion or feeling other than happiness and peace -- is insane.  There are things that we shouldn't be comfortable with.  Discomfort and pain are signals. It is to our detriment to ignore them.

 

    There was a woman Katie worked with who has a daughter who has lots of serious medical problems and the woman felt saddened by that and stressed out about it.  Which is a totally sane, normal, and healthy way to feel.  When people you love are hurt and/or suffer, it is good to empathize with them, to care about them, to show your love and compassion.  This mother is going through a lot with her child -- this mother needs to cry her tears, to lean on her friends, to talk about her fears and her pain.  Yes, perhaps to question her thoughts to see if she is creating more of a problem in her mind than actually exists -- but no, don't deny what is actually happening in front of her -- and don't deny what she is feeling!  If she is feeling sad, then HONOR that!  What she does NOT need to do is to make herself wrong for how she feels -- or to do "the Work" and brainwash herself into feeling happily disconnected from whether her daughter lives or dies or suffers or has a happy childhood. 

 

    If that's the price of "peace" and "happiness" -- to be so unattached from reality that you simply don't care about anything or anybody, but just live in this fog that you choose to call reality -- well, then you can keep it.  I want no part of it. 

 

    To add injury to insult, the implication was also made that we cause 100% of whatever happens in our lives by our thoughts 100% of the time.  So, this young mother whose child has been gravely ill and could become so again -- she's getting the message from these lunatics that if her daughter does get ill again, it is her fault for worrying and being stressed and the fears and thoughts she has had -- and projected onto her daughter and caused her daughter to have!  There is no room made for the possibility that life just happens and sometimes it is shit that comes up and there's nothing you can do about it but feel it, deal with it, grieve it, whatever you need to do to get past it.  And if this little girl gets ill again and suffers more, maybe even doesn't make it -- her Mom's been given instructions to detach from all of that emotionally -- and to just enjoy each moment she has with her child.  Why would you want to waste her last moments in misery and fear?

 

    Well, hello?  Why would you want to deny your experience, her experience, your feelings, her feelings?  Why would you want to be anything but fully present to all of it?  Why wouldn't you let your child see you cry and know that you deeply love her and would do anything to help her get well?  Why wouldn't you let your child cry in your arms at the unfairness of fate?  Why wouldn't you feel everything and allow those feelings to move through you and for you to fully experience the joy, pain, elation, tragedy, everything of the experience of being human? 

 

    She talks about a guy holding a gun to her stomach and her thought was, I hope he doesn't do that to himself.  WHAT?!?  No.  Nobody's thought is that in that situation.  I don't believe it.  But okay, even if I did believe it -- let's go there.  Do you think so little of yourself and the value of your life that you don't care if someone takes it from you?  Do you care so little about your friends and the people who love you that you don't even consider how they would feel if you were murdered?  You can recognize that the person holding the gun must be in some considerable pain and desperate to be doing this -- but come on!  Compassion starts with compassion for the SELF!  You can't bypass that step.
 

     I'll tell you what.  If the price of inner peace is choosing to believe that reality is an illusion and that the illusion of unending happiness and peace is reality -- then forget it, I want nothing to do with that.  But I don't believe that is true at all.  I don't believe that inner peace is a one-shot deal, you suddenly find it and live in a state of bliss.  I don't find Katie to be sane or authentic at all.  She completely negates every normal human experience, emotion and feeling.  She says that she's "happy all of the time" because everything is a constant miracle to her. 

     Personally, I think that when she was practically psychotic, sleeping on the floor next to her bed because she didn't feel worthy enough to sleep in a bed -- and slept with a shotgun and entertained ideas of shooting the postman for the crime of touching her house to put mail in the slot -- that she must have been either doing some major hallucinogenic drugs or that she was seriously mentally ill.  And then, when the cockroach crawled across her foot as she slept on the floor, and woke her up, and she laughed and was suddenly enlightened?  Either the residual effects of the drugs ... or she's still seriously mentally ill in a different form.  Either way, I don't know why people are following her.  I find that really scary.  I mean, yes.  There is the tiniest bit of truth in her teachings.  Yes, we could examine where our thoughts create stories that take us further into emotions and feelings like anger.  However, don't people notice when she slips from this little bit of wisdom into full-blown insanity?!?  HELLO?!?  It's not her fault that she's mentally ill.  But what the hell are people doing believing the insane things she says?  Yes, she's funny.  She'd be a great comedienne on tour.  A barrel of laughs.  But she is NOT a spiritual leader and she is NOT a person imparting wisdom into the world.  She's a disturbingly detached person who would more appropriately be in a mental institution than on a platform speaking to people.  The guy who introduced her was practically gushing out his "guarantee that she will CHANGE you and CHANGE your life!"  WHAT?!?!  NO!!!  

     Her big thing is "loving what is" -- but you don't actually love what is -- you love what you change it into in your mind.  You don't love your anger or your hurt feelings or anything that is real.  You don't love the sensations and the things you feel, physically or emotionally -- not unless they fit into the beauty of the world you are creating in your mind.  So, when a guy holds a gun in your stomach, you can't help but notice the beautiful moon and the soft breeze -- and you don't notice the fear or adrenaline that would surely be rushing through any sane person.  I'm not explaining this as well as I want -- but loving what is -- that includes loving everything, not picking and choosing what to love and what to call "reality".  And also, she says that if something exists, then it is meant to be.  Like, how do I know that your arm was supposed to be cut off?  Because it is cut off.  Well, then using that same logic, how do I know that I'm supposed to be angry as hell?  Because I AM angry as hell!  Right?  Only that isn't part of the deal.  And then, extending that out into the world -- that if it exists, love it because that is what is supposed to be (we know that because it exists) -- so, one would love poverty, racism, sexism, disease, etc.?  But don't love your anger that these things exist and don't try to change them?  Why doesn't everyone immediately see how insane and convoluted this is?!? 

     I don't want to live in a world where people have decided that unconditional love is "helping someone to pack" when they decide to leave you, where people have realized that the only reason you "care" about people (like your children) is how comfortable their health and happiness make you and how uncomfortable their pain or disease make you -- so if you just understand that their well-being really has nothing to do with you, you can stop caring (!) and just keep living your bliss, where when someone is in pain, you can basically ignore it and be glad that it's not your turn to be in pain, and where you can just question everything so that instead of ever trusting what you perceive with your senses, your mind, your experience and reality -- you can just dismiss all of that and only trust what you choose to create with your mind, which is this bizarro utopia where you act like you're stoned and disconnected all of the time.  No thanks.  

     I want to live in a world where people fight (in a positive way) for their own good and the good of others around them.  I want to live in a world where people are full of compassion and empathy -- and when you see a person in pain, it hurts you too.  It should hurt us too to see people, particularly people we love, in pain.  I want to live in a world where people have heart connections and care about each other -- not because of how that person's life affects our life and comfort -- but because at this deep, ineffable level -- we sense that we are one, that we are connected, and that there is LOVE!  If I'm dying, I want my loved ones to cry with me, to celebrate my life, to go on and be happy -- but certainly NOT to act like it means nothing to them that I'm dying.  Death is NOT an illusion!  Yes, it may be that this life is an illusion of sorts and we "die" into reality -- if that's how you want to look at it.  However, the reality of this lifetime is, when people die, it hurts.  You miss them.  There is grieving to be done.  I think it is just hurtful and insane to act like it's an illusion.  You can be comforted by your spiritual beliefs, but YOU ARE STILL HUMAN.  

     I just don't understand how hundreds of people could sit in that auditorium and act like she was imparting wisdom.  A crazy person is standing up there saying totally insane things -- and I'm looking around at people participating and nodding and I'm wondering -- WTF!?!?  Why isn't anybody else acting like this is crazy?  What is that poor young mother going to do if her child has a relapse?  Thanks to Katie, she'll feel like it's her fault -- not the cruel twist of fate.  She'll feel like she's failed "the Work" and like she'd also be wrong to be sad or worried.  Her whole repertoire of human expression will be blocked unless she can break free of this insanity.

     What Byron Katie seems to recommend is to stop being human -- to pretend that you're already dead.  According to her, she woke up "in heaven."  Well, for me, heaven can wait.  I still have living to do.